A Simple thing called marriage...

Someone sent this to me recently. Don’t know who has written it. I loved it hence posting it..

A Simple thing called marriage……

‘ When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50-60 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr/Ms Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: ‘We’re in love.” this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:

Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life – bottomline – and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:

Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person? This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust! i. e. trust that I won’t get ‘punished’ or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:

Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. i) Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? ii) Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as ’someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing’. ‘So, ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?’ Usually, a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:

How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: i) How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc? ii) How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? Do they show respect? If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they’ll have gratitude for you – who can’t do nearly as much for them! iii) Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:

Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to ‘improve’ them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it, ‘You can probably expect someone to change after marriage … for the worse!’ If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

So here comes the most important question: HOW WILL I KNOW IF I’VE MET THE PERSON I SHOULD MARRY?

The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on ‘I get a warm, wonderful feeling whenever we’re together and I want to have that warm wonderful feeling forever, so let’s go get married’. Feelings, as we have discussed, have no logic on their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course, but they need considerable assistance from your brain. Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. This, as you may have guessed, is a very long time to spend with one person. This person will live with you, eat meals with you, sleep with you and go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your children. You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions.

The decisions have to be made on solid considerations.

Will this person be a good partner?

Is she mature enough to put her own selfish desires aside to look out for what is best for the family?

Is he prepared to be a good provider?

What is his track record?

Is he responsible enough to get a good job and keep it?

Will this person be a good parent?

Can you stand the thought of your children turning out exactly like this person? They will, you know. Children spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up many or most of their parents’ character traits. You had better like your spouse’s traits a lot because you will be seeing them again in your children.

If something were to happen to you, would you completely trust this person alone, with the task of raising and forming your children? This is not a pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration. Not everyone dies at a ripe old age with great grandchildren gathered around the bed. Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in the care of the other parent. If you feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person’s influence on your children, then you are considering the wrong person.

Does this person share your faith in God/ Spiritualism? God does not give us children so that we can mould them into the coolest, most popular people in school. Our job is to make them responsible, humble, spiritual and balanced human beings. To do that, we need to raise them believing in God and or being spiritual. It is tough to do that if only one parent believes or is spiritual. Saying ‘This is right and that is wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five does not work. Small children ask about eight million questions in a single day. The answers to those questions go a long way toward forming the kind of adults they will become. Who will be answering those questions for your children?

Does this person you are marrying have sexual self-control?

Single people sometimes have this idea that marriage is just some kind of lifelong sex festival and that as long as they have each other, they will never be tempted by other people. Wrong! There are many times in every marriage when one partner or the other is sexually unavailable – illness, the last months of pregnancy, travel. There are also times when spouses, just get on each others’ nerves. At times like this, other people can seem very appealing. That can be dangerous, because there are plenty of very attractive people out there who are willing to make themselves available to married men and women. Do you want someone who has never said ‘no’ to sex? If he is not good at saying ‘no’ at eighteen, it won’t be different at forty. Do you want to worry about whether or not your spouse is being faithful? These are very important questions, and if you are not comfortable with all of the answers, you should definitely not marry this person.

None if this is to say that feelings play no role at all in a marriage decision. You don’t have to, ‘Well, I suppose that you would make a good spouse and parent, so even though I don’t particularly like you I guess I’ll marry you’. You need to be happy and excited about the prospect of spending your life with someone. Your brain however must acknowledge that this person as a good choice. Don’t listen to your heart alone nor your head alone. Wait until your heart and head agree…

Complicated..

As you can see, there are feelings between you and me
But when we try to agree, you start to break free

I stare right at you; you know what I want to do
But you move back smooth, saying' I need to choose, that I'm confused

Complicated it is. You and I are in this
Ignorance is bliss, why do you insist to fight this..

Just come here, there's something you need to hear
I try to speak clear, but I mumble of fear

You are complicated, and it makes me frustrated
I just hate it, love is overrated!

You need to tell me something, cause when it comes to everything
You make it so complicating, all I need to know is one thing

i loved you..?

you said you loved me..
but showed so much doubt,
I gave you my love in return I do without.

did everything for you dear what more expected is due..
tried to make you happy got sorrow back from you..

I lived your gamely lies till I lost all my pride,
until the fragment of my spirit choked up inside..

I truly gave to you..
if only it was returned,
and now it is late that I have learned.

I think I have had enough..
it is time for me to move on,

can’t hold on to something that I know is gone.

don’t think I ever had what I thought it was,
must have been something else but surely wasn’t Love.

have to say good-bye dear..
I need to think of me,
it hurts to walk away but that’s how it’s got to be.

hope I can move on..
new life waits me ahead,

wish it were with You and not this way instead..

a sapling named "US"..

My parents returned from their brief visit to Kerala, my native place.
My father is building his dream house for his post retirement plans over his ancestral property.
The old wooden architecture which had weathered over a period of 100 years was now being replaced by a new concrete structure.

Of everything, I enquired about the ‘mammoth’ mango tree in our courtyard.

I use the word mammoth because its girth cannot be measured by even three people if they hold hands together.

Since my early childhood days I have had very fond memories of this tree.

It has been a good provider!
It has been a safe haven to many of its chirpy inhabitants,
it has always provided shade and respite from the heat and humidity during my vacations visits in mid summer and,
I have always taken refuge in its thick branches to hide after mischief,

Above all I have always relished feasting on the big ripe mangoes!!

My father tells me how as a young boy he remembers his father taking utmost care of the tree.

Grandpa made sure that his sapling had adequate water, manure, sunshine and shade.
He made sure that the household cattle did not chew on it..
Took great pain to keep it free from pests..
He would occasionally dig around it to ensure the top soil was replaced..and tirelessly provided it with required nutrients..

He spend lot of time ensuring that this ‘sapling’ was getting stronger day by day to see through rough weather..
Once during a fierce storm the young tree’s branches gave away and the trunk split in two.
He then took great care and efforts to support the tree with makeshift supports.
And today it resembles Siamese twins.

Since then it has seen so many seasons and even worse storms..
Winds have blown away the withered, pale leaves..
Exposing the branches bearing a witness to nudity..
Leaving behind a transparent canopy..

But this hasn’t been the end..

Today it stands it's ground..
With hope and assurance of flowering every next season..

And come springtime it blossoms in its fullness again..
Yet again its a tree of providence..

Its so perfect..!!

It’s been a while that I have visited it.
This time I heard that the branches have gracefully drooped and now they kiss the ground.
Though it still produces a great yield..


I have never seen my grandpa..!

But what I do see of him is this tree - his testimony of great care and affection..

And this reminds me of a sapling..

A sapling named “US”..

Which I took great care to nourish..
Alas! I couldn’t see it flourish..
I did ensure the roots had gone deep inside..
But then somehow the wind was never on my side..

Then set winter..

And there I stood.. to watch it wither away..
..leaf by leaf, never to see a spring again..

Though I am glad I had my share of spring..

I wonder if grandpa would have nodded hear me say..
“That I wasn’t as good as you..”

Or if he would just smile and say..
“Dear, not all saplings are meant to stay..”

please Forgive me..

“Our Father in Heaven, Holy be your name..
Let your Kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven..
Give us today our daily bread..
Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us.
Lead us not into temptations, but deliver us from all evil..”

- Bible

This school prayer used to be an integral part of my life..

Having recited it religiously some 200 odd days in a year for more than 10 long years, I had become an immune soul.

Practice makes you perfect!
Sometimes it makes you ignorant.

Now when I tried to remember it..
I struggled!
I could not remember the words.

Therefore I asked for help from a colleague,
an ardent catholic,
and instantly she recited the entire prayer in less than 7 seconds..!
And it reminded me of the parrot within me.

Ask me whom I hate or against whom I hold grudge and I will easily list ALL the names.
But then ask me to name those whom I have caused pain and anguish,
I really have to think hard ..
recollect..
remember..
and walk down memory lanes
may be then I can name a few..

Not that I am a saint and sinless..
I so wish I was..

It’s because I haven’t forgotten anyone who have wronged against me.
And do not bother to know the ones whom I have hurt or caused pain.. though am sure the latter must be a larger number than the ones who have wronged against me.

Let's say:
a) You are my girl, and you dump me for my buddy.. or..

b) You are my Crazy Old Professor and always make life difficult for things out of my understanding.. or..

c) You are my brother and knocked off my tooth during a fight which I always loose.. or..

d) You are my neighbour and you had a squabble over parking in my area even if I don’t even have a two wheeler of my own.. or..

e) You are my childhood friend and you don’t remember my birthday even after hogging desserts every year.. or..

f) You are my boss and you give me the sack when I expected a raise.. or..

g) You are that friend of mine who took away my girl on my birthday..


I call you names..
I keep cursing you..
I keep complaining of how life is unfair..

And I sum it up saying, "I'll never forgive you for that!"

[I do say a lot of other things, rest I have faith in your understanding]


Who suffers?

'a' is having the time of her life with my buddy..
'b' is busy teaching and enlightening whole new batch of idiots like me..
'c' is still busy breaking other people's tooth..
'd' still manages to park his car in my area..
'e' still comes and hogs as if he is in an annual festival where one doesn't remembers the occasion but doesn't forget the food either..
'f' still manages to get the donkey work..
'g'.. I have nothing to say to you...%&*$%^ LOOOSER.. !!!


Surprisingly it’s never You!

And this mystery has always baffled me!

Once all the curses and ill-feelings have not had any effect then helplessly one wishes to forget it and move on..

Even that seems to be impossible!

The reason being..
I am still acting naive..

I am missing something basic.

So it was like I was carrying acid in a container to throw at one who has caused me hurt. And meanwhile I was waiting for the right time, this acid was eating into the container. And this hate was doing more harm to me than it did to the other.

So the sooner this vessel is emptied the better it is!

The phrase is to Forgive and forget..!!

And its something that each one of us have learnt at some point in our lives..
That it is a good idea to forgive people.
We learned that it is "holy" or "spiritual".

Rubbisssshh !
I would have said so..
If I wasn’t miserable..

May be this was why this prayer revisited me..

..Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us..

I was miserable because I have not forgiven.

And today while I write this I am so sure that when we don’t forgive, it ruins our life!

I wonder where one gets the idea that if You don't forgive people, THEY suffer.
Its nuts!

And also to forgive someone, I am not saying one has to agree with what they did.
One just have to want his life to work.

Is it easy?
Usually it’s not.

But its not impossible..All one needs is three things..

Humility..Tolerance.. and Respect/Love for the other person..And this isn't easy..Its even more painful..But once you do it..then the joy and happiness is worth the pain..

So don't forgive people for their benefit.

Do it for your benefit..!!

And if your life is joyful and blissful then you are reading nonsense..!!
But if you are hurt and in pain..
Then this might have something to offer..something to ponder and act upon..

With this piece of wisdom I wish to ask forgiveness from all those against who I have wronged.

- An apologetic soul..

Happens..!

In 1961, when President Kennedy committed to put a man on the moon "before this decade is out", he had no idea how it would be done - and NASA didn't know how either.

More than a million technical problems had to be solved.
What kind of rockets, engines, landing craft, space suits, and underwear do you take to the moon?
And even if you get to the moon, how do you make sure you don't land in a hole?
How does one get back home?

The Americans solved each problem, one by one, and in July 1969 the world watched Neil Armstrong walk. This success is often credited to the breakthrough technological advances and the problems Americans solved, for instance even the minutest innovation of a million dollar pen that could write on moon’s gravity.

Soon even the Russians followed suit and came into limelight when they landed their man on moon, so what if they used Stupid pencils.

I guess the driving force behind these feats was their “Commitment” to make it work!

First you commit, heart and soul.
Then you solve the problems, one at a time...

So the real question to achieve anything worthwhile is “Are we ready to commit?”

"I will do this, whatever it takes".

And then start without all the answers and without any guarantees.

‘Commitment’ is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt...

Of course the uncertainties still remains but you are always one step closer to your desires or aspirations..
It just nullifies the uncertainty aspect..

If I wish to write a book then I need to commit to it, and then figure out how to finish it..
Dont worry its just a thought to make my explanation easier..I have no such plans in near future..

I feel same goes for a relationship or marriage or any goal - you commit to it, and then day by day, you figure out how to make it work..

This reminds me of an interesting conversation that I had with a dear friend of mine over lunch. She was educating me about why most relationships don’t work out diagnosing my own misery.

There are these ‘abc’ reasons for both to be ‘deeply’ and ‘madly’ in love with each other. And then there are always these another set of ‘xyz’ reasons for which it doesn’t seem to work out..

For me over a period of time the abc’s mirrored into xyz’s..!!
But then I pleased my ego mumbling ‘Love is Blind’!

“I love you..”
“I don’t feel the same for you..”

“I will always love you no matter what..”
“I think things are not the same as it used to be..”

“What will I do without you..”
“I think WE need a break..”
That’s so kind of one to think about ‘We’..

“I cannot live without you..”
“I guess YOU deserve someone better...”
God bless the soul for being so thoughtful... Modesty at its peak..!!

Happens…

Happened to me..!!

"...a captain earns his reputation during the storms."
And it’s most difficult and most readily proven during tough times.

In my case I guess the storm was too strong or the commitment too weak to withstand it..

Was it too complex or difficult than Apollo project or some rocket science which I could not understand!

I don't know..

But what I learnt is that there are, therefore, two essential conditions for any commitment.

The first, and most basic, is ‘Belief’ in the purpose, goal...
As an old saying that goes, "Stand for something or you'll fall for anything."

The second is ‘faithful adherence’ to those beliefs with one’s behaviour with strong sense of personal integrity..

I still believe that all GENUINE commitment stands the test of time..
The key word being ‘genuine’..

And I was glad to end our lunch on a note that, I am glad there are few commitments around me to support this belief!

Even project Apollo had its own set of ‘xyz’ reasons but it was like any successful project!

So what if I wasn’t that lucky..

"Why?"

Recently I saw Nick’s video, a man born without any limbs, leading a much normal life than many of us.
He does his daily chores, can swim, uses technology with ease, answers mails, travels across the globe and, above all is a motivational speaker.
More than curiosity, to find a remedy to my own challenges I decided to read more about Nick on the web to understand how he was embracing life every day unlike many of us.

And the more I read about him the more I was confused as I could not understand how someone with such adversity could lead such a normal life?

For his set of challenges were different and permanent than in case of many others, like me.

It is a struggle to cope up with the reality especially if it’s a personal loss or a relationship being called off, to take charge of one’s emotions and take stock of what is left and move ahead.

While I am writing this, I still feel the pain..

It wasn’t that I wasn’t willing to accept the reality as it was..
It wasn’t that I didn’t wished to move on..

It’s was just that I couldn’t..!!
And I failed to understand WHY?

In spite of turning to the wisdom around me in form of peers, friends and loved ones..
In spite of keeping myself occupied by reading..travelling..indulging in activities which wouldn’t spare me any time to think..

I still was miserable!!

Whenever tragedy strikes,
or when I lose something special,
the question I usually ask is..
"WHY me?"
“WHY does it have to happen to me?”
"WHY did she leave me for a loser?"

And these "WHY?" questions were just sending me in circles.
And soon I found my answer in my ignorance.

I realised that instead of asking or finding answers to “Why” Nick had found answers to “What” he could do with his life.

"Almost anything!"

This realisation that often, there is no answer to "WHY?" or it doesn't matter why was the turning point.

And from this moment I started asking "WHAT?"...
"WHAT do I learn from this?"
"WHAT am I going to do about it?"

And since then life has become much easier.
It is not a struggle any more.

Like someone said that, “The key to happiness I believe is not to bother about whether life is ‘fair’. It’s just to make the most of what we have.”

And is life fair?
Probably not, But it does it matter why?