a sapling named "US"..

My parents returned from their brief visit to Kerala, my native place.
My father is building his dream house for his post retirement plans over his ancestral property.
The old wooden architecture which had weathered over a period of 100 years was now being replaced by a new concrete structure.

Of everything, I enquired about the ‘mammoth’ mango tree in our courtyard.

I use the word mammoth because its girth cannot be measured by even three people if they hold hands together.

Since my early childhood days I have had very fond memories of this tree.

It has been a good provider!
It has been a safe haven to many of its chirpy inhabitants,
it has always provided shade and respite from the heat and humidity during my vacations visits in mid summer and,
I have always taken refuge in its thick branches to hide after mischief,

Above all I have always relished feasting on the big ripe mangoes!!

My father tells me how as a young boy he remembers his father taking utmost care of the tree.

Grandpa made sure that his sapling had adequate water, manure, sunshine and shade.
He made sure that the household cattle did not chew on it..
Took great pain to keep it free from pests..
He would occasionally dig around it to ensure the top soil was replaced..and tirelessly provided it with required nutrients..

He spend lot of time ensuring that this ‘sapling’ was getting stronger day by day to see through rough weather..
Once during a fierce storm the young tree’s branches gave away and the trunk split in two.
He then took great care and efforts to support the tree with makeshift supports.
And today it resembles Siamese twins.

Since then it has seen so many seasons and even worse storms..
Winds have blown away the withered, pale leaves..
Exposing the branches bearing a witness to nudity..
Leaving behind a transparent canopy..

But this hasn’t been the end..

Today it stands it's ground..
With hope and assurance of flowering every next season..

And come springtime it blossoms in its fullness again..
Yet again its a tree of providence..

Its so perfect..!!

It’s been a while that I have visited it.
This time I heard that the branches have gracefully drooped and now they kiss the ground.
Though it still produces a great yield..


I have never seen my grandpa..!

But what I do see of him is this tree - his testimony of great care and affection..

And this reminds me of a sapling..

A sapling named “US”..

Which I took great care to nourish..
Alas! I couldn’t see it flourish..
I did ensure the roots had gone deep inside..
But then somehow the wind was never on my side..

Then set winter..

And there I stood.. to watch it wither away..
..leaf by leaf, never to see a spring again..

Though I am glad I had my share of spring..

I wonder if grandpa would have nodded hear me say..
“That I wasn’t as good as you..”

Or if he would just smile and say..
“Dear, not all saplings are meant to stay..”

Hostel Song..!!

Each time we come together
Nothing but brothers we are now
Sandy I am, Sandies we are
Together we’ll explore the hidden beauty of wisdom
Learning from each other
Forgetting out skin kaleidoscope
We’ll strive to build a better world.

Sandies may come, Sandies may go..
But we know in our hearts,
We’ll always stay the same
Far away from our homes
Into this tinsel town
Saint Andrew’s House
That’s where we are!

No matter what they say we’ll count it as a blessing!
So hand in hand, we’ll walk in excellence
Into the sands of time our footprints will remain..
Will remain..

please Forgive me..

“Our Father in Heaven, Holy be your name..
Let your Kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven..
Give us today our daily bread..
Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us.
Lead us not into temptations, but deliver us from all evil..”

- Bible

This school prayer used to be an integral part of my life..

Having recited it religiously some 200 odd days in a year for more than 10 long years, I had become an immune soul.

Practice makes you perfect!
Sometimes it makes you ignorant.

Now when I tried to remember it..
I struggled!
I could not remember the words.

Therefore I asked for help from a colleague,
an ardent catholic,
and instantly she recited the entire prayer in less than 7 seconds..!
And it reminded me of the parrot within me.

Ask me whom I hate or against whom I hold grudge and I will easily list ALL the names.
But then ask me to name those whom I have caused pain and anguish,
I really have to think hard ..
recollect..
remember..
and walk down memory lanes
may be then I can name a few..

Not that I am a saint and sinless..
I so wish I was..

It’s because I haven’t forgotten anyone who have wronged against me.
And do not bother to know the ones whom I have hurt or caused pain.. though am sure the latter must be a larger number than the ones who have wronged against me.

Let's say:
a) You are my girl, and you dump me for my buddy.. or..

b) You are my Crazy Old Professor and always make life difficult for things out of my understanding.. or..

c) You are my brother and knocked off my tooth during a fight which I always loose.. or..

d) You are my neighbour and you had a squabble over parking in my area even if I don’t even have a two wheeler of my own.. or..

e) You are my childhood friend and you don’t remember my birthday even after hogging desserts every year.. or..

f) You are my boss and you give me the sack when I expected a raise.. or..

g) You are that friend of mine who took away my girl on my birthday..


I call you names..
I keep cursing you..
I keep complaining of how life is unfair..

And I sum it up saying, "I'll never forgive you for that!"

[I do say a lot of other things, rest I have faith in your understanding]


Who suffers?

'a' is having the time of her life with my buddy..
'b' is busy teaching and enlightening whole new batch of idiots like me..
'c' is still busy breaking other people's tooth..
'd' still manages to park his car in my area..
'e' still comes and hogs as if he is in an annual festival where one doesn't remembers the occasion but doesn't forget the food either..
'f' still manages to get the donkey work..
'g'.. I have nothing to say to you...%&*$%^ LOOOSER.. !!!


Surprisingly it’s never You!

And this mystery has always baffled me!

Once all the curses and ill-feelings have not had any effect then helplessly one wishes to forget it and move on..

Even that seems to be impossible!

The reason being..
I am still acting naive..

I am missing something basic.

So it was like I was carrying acid in a container to throw at one who has caused me hurt. And meanwhile I was waiting for the right time, this acid was eating into the container. And this hate was doing more harm to me than it did to the other.

So the sooner this vessel is emptied the better it is!

The phrase is to Forgive and forget..!!

And its something that each one of us have learnt at some point in our lives..
That it is a good idea to forgive people.
We learned that it is "holy" or "spiritual".

Rubbisssshh !
I would have said so..
If I wasn’t miserable..

May be this was why this prayer revisited me..

..Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us..

I was miserable because I have not forgiven.

And today while I write this I am so sure that when we don’t forgive, it ruins our life!

I wonder where one gets the idea that if You don't forgive people, THEY suffer.
Its nuts!

And also to forgive someone, I am not saying one has to agree with what they did.
One just have to want his life to work.

Is it easy?
Usually it’s not.

But its not impossible..All one needs is three things..

Humility..Tolerance.. and Respect/Love for the other person..And this isn't easy..Its even more painful..But once you do it..then the joy and happiness is worth the pain..

So don't forgive people for their benefit.

Do it for your benefit..!!

And if your life is joyful and blissful then you are reading nonsense..!!
But if you are hurt and in pain..
Then this might have something to offer..something to ponder and act upon..

With this piece of wisdom I wish to ask forgiveness from all those against who I have wronged.

- An apologetic soul..

Happens..!

In 1961, when President Kennedy committed to put a man on the moon "before this decade is out", he had no idea how it would be done - and NASA didn't know how either.

More than a million technical problems had to be solved.
What kind of rockets, engines, landing craft, space suits, and underwear do you take to the moon?
And even if you get to the moon, how do you make sure you don't land in a hole?
How does one get back home?

The Americans solved each problem, one by one, and in July 1969 the world watched Neil Armstrong walk. This success is often credited to the breakthrough technological advances and the problems Americans solved, for instance even the minutest innovation of a million dollar pen that could write on moon’s gravity.

Soon even the Russians followed suit and came into limelight when they landed their man on moon, so what if they used Stupid pencils.

I guess the driving force behind these feats was their “Commitment” to make it work!

First you commit, heart and soul.
Then you solve the problems, one at a time...

So the real question to achieve anything worthwhile is “Are we ready to commit?”

"I will do this, whatever it takes".

And then start without all the answers and without any guarantees.

‘Commitment’ is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt...

Of course the uncertainties still remains but you are always one step closer to your desires or aspirations..
It just nullifies the uncertainty aspect..

If I wish to write a book then I need to commit to it, and then figure out how to finish it..
Dont worry its just a thought to make my explanation easier..I have no such plans in near future..

I feel same goes for a relationship or marriage or any goal - you commit to it, and then day by day, you figure out how to make it work..

This reminds me of an interesting conversation that I had with a dear friend of mine over lunch. She was educating me about why most relationships don’t work out diagnosing my own misery.

There are these ‘abc’ reasons for both to be ‘deeply’ and ‘madly’ in love with each other. And then there are always these another set of ‘xyz’ reasons for which it doesn’t seem to work out..

For me over a period of time the abc’s mirrored into xyz’s..!!
But then I pleased my ego mumbling ‘Love is Blind’!

“I love you..”
“I don’t feel the same for you..”

“I will always love you no matter what..”
“I think things are not the same as it used to be..”

“What will I do without you..”
“I think WE need a break..”
That’s so kind of one to think about ‘We’..

“I cannot live without you..”
“I guess YOU deserve someone better...”
God bless the soul for being so thoughtful... Modesty at its peak..!!

Happens…

Happened to me..!!

"...a captain earns his reputation during the storms."
And it’s most difficult and most readily proven during tough times.

In my case I guess the storm was too strong or the commitment too weak to withstand it..

Was it too complex or difficult than Apollo project or some rocket science which I could not understand!

I don't know..

But what I learnt is that there are, therefore, two essential conditions for any commitment.

The first, and most basic, is ‘Belief’ in the purpose, goal...
As an old saying that goes, "Stand for something or you'll fall for anything."

The second is ‘faithful adherence’ to those beliefs with one’s behaviour with strong sense of personal integrity..

I still believe that all GENUINE commitment stands the test of time..
The key word being ‘genuine’..

And I was glad to end our lunch on a note that, I am glad there are few commitments around me to support this belief!

Even project Apollo had its own set of ‘xyz’ reasons but it was like any successful project!

So what if I wasn’t that lucky..

"Why?"

Recently I saw Nick’s video, a man born without any limbs, leading a much normal life than many of us.
He does his daily chores, can swim, uses technology with ease, answers mails, travels across the globe and, above all is a motivational speaker.
More than curiosity, to find a remedy to my own challenges I decided to read more about Nick on the web to understand how he was embracing life every day unlike many of us.

And the more I read about him the more I was confused as I could not understand how someone with such adversity could lead such a normal life?

For his set of challenges were different and permanent than in case of many others, like me.

It is a struggle to cope up with the reality especially if it’s a personal loss or a relationship being called off, to take charge of one’s emotions and take stock of what is left and move ahead.

While I am writing this, I still feel the pain..

It wasn’t that I wasn’t willing to accept the reality as it was..
It wasn’t that I didn’t wished to move on..

It’s was just that I couldn’t..!!
And I failed to understand WHY?

In spite of turning to the wisdom around me in form of peers, friends and loved ones..
In spite of keeping myself occupied by reading..travelling..indulging in activities which wouldn’t spare me any time to think..

I still was miserable!!

Whenever tragedy strikes,
or when I lose something special,
the question I usually ask is..
"WHY me?"
“WHY does it have to happen to me?”
"WHY did she leave me for a loser?"

And these "WHY?" questions were just sending me in circles.
And soon I found my answer in my ignorance.

I realised that instead of asking or finding answers to “Why” Nick had found answers to “What” he could do with his life.

"Almost anything!"

This realisation that often, there is no answer to "WHY?" or it doesn't matter why was the turning point.

And from this moment I started asking "WHAT?"...
"WHAT do I learn from this?"
"WHAT am I going to do about it?"

And since then life has become much easier.
It is not a struggle any more.

Like someone said that, “The key to happiness I believe is not to bother about whether life is ‘fair’. It’s just to make the most of what we have.”

And is life fair?
Probably not, But it does it matter why?