My tryst with life..

Zabaan Sambhal Ke

2011-04-26T23:03:00.008+03:00

Most of us, especially the current generation have lived, studied and worked in different states of the country. And with each passing state one has seen diversity in food, culture, custom and most importantly language. Unlike UK or US where there is a minor change in a basic template, India is complex. And of all these factors, language is the trickiest and the most difficult to adjust to.

Today, over lunch with colleagues from office, I had a hearty laugh over the anecdotes and funny incidents that have occured in our lives involving languages.

In one instance a colleague recollected a couple, a Tamilian boy married to a Kanadiga girl, based out of Pune. Both husband and wife understand very little Hindi and nothing of Marathi. Of the two the husband was little better.

Husband "I will see you near Shivaji ka putli" and the wife went berserk. Laughing at him leaving this colleague surprised as her hindi was worse than her husband's. Only till she corrected him, "Shivaji ka putli nai, Shivaji ki putli"!!!

I remember my first incident which goes back a decade. I was new to Pune and had gone to visit a friend. Roy is a childhood friend and was then a cadet in NDA. I was accompanied by a maharashtrian friend, Sachin from Dhule, who had never seen the academy. During our conversation Roy asked me if I had picked up anything in the local language and I was ready to flaunt. "Majha naav anish aahe'' (my name is anish), was an ideal beginning. But Roy meant business and asked me how would one propose in 'marathi' and I jumped onto this as i thought it was simple. I just have to add two extra words. How difficult can that be? 'Majha tujhaaivar pram aahe'. Next thing I see was Sachin rolling on the ground laughing his guts out. I thought he mistook us to be gay! It was pretty uncommon phenomenon then, two men expressing love. It only became clear while wiping his tears he translated what i said, "I love your mom".

I knew that day my love life is going to be tough.

Today, ten years later, I am married and language still plays an integral role in everyday humor. My wife is Punjabi and married into a Malayali family. I know you wish to read more about this but I must confess that I may be linguistically challenged but not a fool. I am currently doing my practicals around the phrase 'Hell is nothing compared to an angry wife.'

I love my wife and till this portion she loves me too. Would like to keep it that way :)

But yeah I wish to share that today reminded me of the sitcom, Zabaan Sambhal Ke, a desi verison of 'Mind Your Language' , where Mohan Bharti (played by Pankaj Kapur) was an unemployed engineer, forced to teach 'Hindi' to students from different states and even other nationalities. It used to be a laughter riot with it's '"lost-in-translation" situations. I remember how we used to enact each of the characters during school hours and sing the title song over and over again. I guess I have watched each and every episode without fail when it used to be aired on DD Metro, yes you read it right, Door Darshan Metro!

Never realising that this comedy of errors will seep into our day to days lives, creating many such real life situations and anecdotes.

I sincerely hope, I havent hurt any sentiments and have compleyely refrained from north-south-east-west language controversies. I love our languages and wish I could understand them all. Please feel free to share any incidents keeping the spirit of good humor.

And yeah, if you new to a language, try using sign language but beware! :)

PS: For the present generation, DD Metro was the first entertainment channel other than Door Darshan much before cable T.V. and dish T.V. Will write about it some other day.

I am guilty..

2010-01-09T00:11:00.002+03:00

I am writing this note with a lot of grief and pain.

Please follow the link below to know the reason.
http://www.ndtv.com/news/india/cop_begged_for_help_but_no_one_cared.php

Ever since I have seen the video in the news it is running in my head with a replay button on. The video is blurred and is being aired with a warning stating it contains disturbing images and is not suitable for children.

Leave the children alone, it is haunting me.

Little less than 5 hours from the first time it aired in one of the news channels we are having all kind of debates, arguments, discussions and panel meetings of how the ministers are responsible for the cop's death. The channels, the internet is flooded with sms’s and tweets.

I am angry. I am sad. I am pained.

I know I am echoing the emotions of the many who are seeing this story on the news or will wake up to it tomorrow morning’s headlines.

Every sms and each tweet trying to make a point.
How the two ministers (one of them - the health minister) should be sacked and for some, hacked for being so incapable. How the high ranking officials in this case the collector and Health secretary who were present at the scene have been inhumane. How the police is ill equipped to save themselves. How the common man (yes, of course, how can we leave him behind) is not safe.

Please look closely into the video, read the facts and probably things may appear a little different. Besides the two ministers there were minister’s security guards, dozen’s of police men, the common man (in this case a dozen or more men) and the cameraman who shot the video. They all could have done something.
At least some one could have done something.

I am guilty. For me it was a collective failure. I choose to believe everyone present there is/was responsible in more than one way.

This responsibility doesn’t end by expressing our emotions over tweets and sms polls but only begins by actions.

It is a story about some remote village in Tamil Nadu. And it is a everyday reality in my city lanes and roads. India ranks first on the list of death due to road accidents. Some of which I have witnessed up close in person and have been as incapable and inhumane as any one else in this case. At least twice in my life I have frozen, not knowing what to do. I still carry that guilt somewhere deep down within me. Have you come across a situation where you were left frozen? If yes, then join my circle of guilt.

Did I want to help?
Yes.
Did I want to do something?
Yes.
Did I do anything?
No.

I froze because my intention lacked knowledge and skills. I realized that in spite of the fact that I wanted to help I couldn’t, simply because I didn’t know what to do.

So did them.

So did you.

I am a believer. I believe there is a Good Samaritan within all of us. I have a strong conviction that we all have the intention. In this case too I believe most of them had the will but they lacked the skill. I am not surprised that the health minister and health secretary didn’t have a clue about what to do. Don’t wish to open up the casket of ugly truth. What about the others?

What about people like you and me?
For me one person with basic knowledge of first aid would have made all the difference. I don’t know if it could have saved his life but it would have given him a fair chance. We would have given ourselves a fair chance.

The day we take responsibility, I believe it would be the difference..

Hopeful Samaritan..

Just another day..

2009-11-13T16:15:00.005+03:00

From the usual weekends when I would normally trek and travel, this one was different.

Friday night I consciously decided not to do anything but to laze around..

I thought of not doing the usual things that I would otherwise do..

I decided I would take things as they happen and not plan anything unlike other days.

Saturday, 22^nd Oct 2007

Unusually I got up by 7. As I lay still, I remembered what I had planned for the day. Nothing! So I chose to keep my actions in line with my mission.

No plans, no scheduled activity, no regular stuff, no routines.

Nothing at all!

Only to realize that even doing nothing takes an effort.

I closed my eyes to go back to sleep hoping to have some dreams. Oops, no dreams. Remember no routine stuff. Thanks to the traffic outside my lane, my task became simpler.

I tried various postures and positions to go back to sleep. Twisted and turned around, even buried my head under the pillows but finally I was not left with much choice but to get up. Even though I had slept for about 8 hours I imposed this ‘grumpy’ effect of not being able to sleep for any longer.

So here I was, all set, for a fresh new day - unplanned, unpredictable and totally impulsive.

I decided to have a royal breakfast. Yes, I am skipping my civic activities, everything – from brushing my teeth to holding on to what wishes to be flushed away. Remember it’s a non routine day.

But then how come I am having breakfast? Because like many it’s not a part of my routine!

I am more of “do waqt ki roti..” types.

I was having scrambled eggs, butter toasts, corn flakes with a glassful of milk and then an apple.

It felt nice.

It felt really, really nice.

Change at times is refreshing.

Then as I seated myself on the couch with my legs widespread on the center table, I noticed the newspaper. Instantly it brought tempting thoughts. Usually, I read my newspaper in the toilet.

Why? Why not? It’s time saving, you are multi-tasking and in emergencies the paper it comes quite handy.

Ah but today no newspaper and no such emergency. So I decided to watch television; without going on to my favourite channels I started surfing channels. An exercise which sub-consciously initiates itself the moment one gets the remote in his hands.

I surfed through some 40 odd regional channels; then glanced through some 10-12 spiritual and devotional channels followed by an equal number of ‘sensational’ news channels broadcasting the same news ‘exclusively’ and ‘repeatedly’. I finally stopped at one particular channel where Prerna is getting marriage for the n’th time and her grand children are deciding what gifts to present the bride of Indian television.

If you don’t know Prerna then my friend you are missing out an entire generation in Indian television.

After watching the heart rending ceremony I moved on to the music channels which had more advertisements and jingles than songs. Pretty interesting shows ‘Get Gorgeous’ & ‘Style Checks’ on a music channel. I wonder if the cultural and moral police are watching. If yes and its still on air then there is only one explanation. Nudity and music is acceptable than nudity and fashion. Totally unacceptable. Unusually interesting!

I switched on to Pogo.

There is a kid in everyone. This sci-fi super hero was trying to manoeuvre his space ship chasing the evil dark lord flying away in his warship. True, there is a kid in everyone but not necessarily a sci-fi kid. I was looking out for Tom and Jerry kind of stuff.

After flipping through some 100 odd channels I came across the ‘usual’ channels. Jeff Corwin was on an Alaskan adventure and Steve Irwin was having fun with the great crocodiles. Much against my wishes I switched channels as I had decided for the day.

I realized there was nothing worthy to be watched.

What a waste?

Sadly, I turned the T.V. off!

Change at times can be disheartening.

The newspaper was irresistible now. Reading paper in the toilet is my usual routine so… So reading it in the hall is unusual enough. I know its cheating but these are my rules. And I was still doing the unusual stuff. I started with Pune Times. The first page, the second followed by the third, fourth, fifth and the sixth. I wonder why they call it Page 3. Nonetheless, who cares?

Painfully I abstained myself from the real life stories and just managed with crappy reel life stories.

No sports section!

Change at times is (un)real.

I switched on my PC, screened through 12 GB of my music collection. Ignoring the folder named favourites I navigated through folders which I never knew existed. I just had the patience to listen to 17 never heard before songs.

Change at times tests patience.

I logged on to my email account. I hate forwards and junk mails. But today was different.

I went through my junk mail. 36 new mails in less than 12 hours! I came across every kind of newsletters and promotions offering free products, services and false hopes…

Change at times can be informative.

Just then something happened. Or rather was waiting to happen. My bowel seemed to be complaining to let go off what I was holding onto. It seemed that all that breakfast was pushing for its own place. And for some reason I was not yet willing to let go. And it was lunch time. I do not have the concept of breakfast and lunch. I eat when I feel like. The only meal I never skip is dinner. Though there is no fixed time for that too. So here I was holding onto last night’s dinner and some part of my breakfast and gearing up for lunch. I hope some of you know how it feels.

Change at times is uncomfortable and challenging.

But keeping to the norm for the day I analyzed the situation. When the going gets tough the tough gets going. To make it tougher I decided to have lunch. Usually, when I am at home I cook my own food as I enjoy cooking. Today, I dialed the Chinese restaurant and ordered ‘veg’ fried rice. It’s very unusual of me. No not the Chinese part but the vegetarian part of it!

Veg Fried Rice. So much for taking myself seriously!

I surfed the T.V. all over again till the food arrived. The Austin Steven’s series, was too tempting but I turned it off. Soon the food arrived.

Veg Fried Rice. I tried my best.

Usually, I don’t waste food but today was an exception. With great effort ate a little portion of it and decided to keep the rest in the refrigerator. This was by far the happiest ‘unusual’ thing so far. I decided never ever to experiment with the eating preferences.

Change at times is a blessing in disguise.

So now I am both. Hungry and bored!

It was unusually a hot evening. Even the weather gods seemed to have joined me in the game. I decided to go out. The obvious choice was movies. Not so obvious choice today.

Hmm.. the mall adjacent to the hall?

I reached the mall and it was not so crowded! I passed by a whole range of products and more variety of people inside. Ever walked around looking at everything but not seeing anything in particular?

Window-shopping? There was so much around me, yet I saw nothing.

The urge to watch a film was strong. So I stood in the queue, bought a ticket for a Kannada film which had started half an hour ago. I continued to take my tour around the mall.

Change at times is idiotic.

By now the urge to use the restroom was compulsive. I held on to it. I wasn’t going to give up so easily. It was just a matter of few more hours. By the time I finished my aimless tour I had spent nearly two hours. It was a great sense of achievement! I finally managed to spend a good amount of time doing nothing.

The crowd had begun to swell up. Now my hunger pangs were digging onto me. Ideally, I would have gone for the scrumptious fast food around me but today was different. I ordered for a plate of fruit salad – cubes of papayas, apples, a slice of pineapple topping and lots of bananas. I hate bananas. The ‘chaat masala’ did compensate for my fast food taste bugs but mostly it gave me the much needed respite from my hunger.

I had managed pretty well so far without falling into my daily routine. Moreover now it was a matter of just few more hours. I already felt victorious. Only to realise it was momentary. It just got tougher. The fruit salad just seemed to have added on to my bowel movement. The situation which looked all under control suddenly seemed to be slipping away. Literally..

Change at times brings volatility.

Now it was getting unbearable. I decided to go home. As long as you walking it is still endurable. But the ride back home proved to be the most testing one.

Change is painful, at times very painful.

Once home I rushed past my parents, who were glued to Meesha Madhavan, it’s not a hasty spelling error but a Malayalam film, straight into the rest room.

And within moments it was all over.

The day was over. It's over when you feel it is over.

A day doing nothing usual!

To end it on this unusual manner I skipped dinner and decided to sleep early.

I switched on the fan, turned off the lights and drew the curtains to make my rooms darker. Triumphant, I laid down on my bed looking at nothing but a thin ray of street light peeping through the slit of the curtains. Then with my eyes closed I remembered the day that was!

A thought floated by, of how my routines, my schedules, my time-tables and my life style had made me so mechanical that it took effort to do something different.

A lot, actually..

Change often leads to new discoveries..

Nothing unusual about this..!!

PS: Its a post written two years ago. Posting it without any edits and changes.

Change at times is unnecessary!

2009-08-08T12:53:00.001+03:00

Hmm..

2009-06-29T09:12:00.001+03:00

I close my eyes..
And there I see
Another precious memory..

I drift away
And fall into
A dream full of me and you

My life lights up
You laugh and smile
But it only lasts a little while

As then I crash
Back down to here
Knowing you are nowhere near

Here I am
Miss you so much
And the lightness of your touch

Lying awake
Thinking of you
Wishing I was with you too

Can't wait until
I see you there
Missing you I cannot bear

Two hearts ~ just one beat..

2009-06-24T07:45:00.003+03:00

I cannot sleep, I cannot eat,
I'm so wrapped up in you..
My mind swirls with bliss,
Cause I'm in love with you..

When I gaze at your pics,
I soar over the moon..
The clouds lift me high,
And the starts sing in tune..

You are my heavenly music,
And the words to my song
You are my heart and soul,
I will love you forever long..

I have learnt to trust again,
And as a person I have grown..
You have given my heart joy,
With the love you have shown..

Life has never felt so good,
I feel satisfied in every way..
My path becomes clearer,
With each passing day..

Beba, I love you forever,
And all that I ever will be..
A magical bond has arisen,
Two hearts ~ just one beat..

Two hearts ~ just one beat..

I'll be there for you..

2009-06-22T14:19:00.003+03:00

When I look into your eyes I am nothing but surprised,
I know about your past and how it didn't last..
How you gut hurt, burnt, abused and used,
And I bet you were confused..

You deserve better, if not always and forever..
You said you didnt care, but you couldn't bare

I know you are busy but please do make some time,
Working so much should be a crime..
Let me into your life and I will show you that I care,
Like an endless dream I shall always be there..

Forget about the past and look at the future anew,
For now let me tell you I'll always be there for you..

Thinking of you..

2009-06-22T14:03:00.003+03:00

I woke up this morning thinking of you,
And I wondered if you were thinking of me too..

I sat up and thought about our last good-bye,
And all I could do was sit there and sigh..

Its hard to let you go when I know what we could be,
I just have to wait until the day that we'll finally meet..

But until we meet what could be fate,
I'll just sit here thinking of you and wait..

First words of love..

2009-06-22T13:29:00.004+03:00

Thou comfort my restless soul.
Thou above all, I uphold.

A reason to smile..
Tears vanish in a while.

Round and round, all around.

High into the skies deep into the ground..
I look for thee.

Am amazed with the bliss, am spell bound..

Another season, another year..

A song on the lips, heart full of cheer.
With you around I have no fear.

I will always keep you close to my heart, dear.

- KS

A Simple thing called marriage...

2009-05-26T23:46:00.000+03:00

Someone sent this to me recently. Don’t know who has written it. I loved it hence posting it..

A Simple thing called marriage……

‘ When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50-60 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr/Ms Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: ‘We’re in love.” this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:

Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life – bottomline – and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:

Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person? This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust! i. e. trust that I won’t get ‘punished’ or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:

Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. i) Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? ii) Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as ’someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing’. ‘So, ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?’ Usually, a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:

How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: i) How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc? ii) How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? Do they show respect? If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they’ll have gratitude for you – who can’t do nearly as much for them! iii) Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:

Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to ‘improve’ them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it, ‘You can probably expect someone to change after marriage … for the worse!’ If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

So here comes the most important question: HOW WILL I KNOW IF I’VE MET THE PERSON I SHOULD MARRY?

The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on ‘I get a warm, wonderful feeling whenever we’re together and I want to have that warm wonderful feeling forever, so let’s go get married’. Feelings, as we have discussed, have no logic on their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course, but they need considerable assistance from your brain. Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. This, as you may have guessed, is a very long time to spend with one person. This person will live with you, eat meals with you, sleep with you and go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your children. You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions.

The decisions have to be made on solid considerations.

Will this person be a good partner?

Is she mature enough to put her own selfish desires aside to look out for what is best for the family?

Is he prepared to be a good provider?

What is his track record?

Is he responsible enough to get a good job and keep it?

Will this person be a good parent?

Can you stand the thought of your children turning out exactly like this person? They will, you know. Children spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up many or most of their parents’ character traits. You had better like your spouse’s traits a lot because you will be seeing them again in your children.

If something were to happen to you, would you completely trust this person alone, with the task of raising and forming your children? This is not a pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration. Not everyone dies at a ripe old age with great grandchildren gathered around the bed. Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in the care of the other parent. If you feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person’s influence on your children, then you are considering the wrong person.

Does this person share your faith in God/ Spiritualism? God does not give us children so that we can mould them into the coolest, most popular people in school. Our job is to make them responsible, humble, spiritual and balanced human beings. To do that, we need to raise them believing in God and or being spiritual. It is tough to do that if only one parent believes or is spiritual. Saying ‘This is right and that is wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five does not work. Small children ask about eight million questions in a single day. The answers to those questions go a long way toward forming the kind of adults they will become. Who will be answering those questions for your children?

Does this person you are marrying have sexual self-control?

Single people sometimes have this idea that marriage is just some kind of lifelong sex festival and that as long as they have each other, they will never be tempted by other people. Wrong! There are many times in every marriage when one partner or the other is sexually unavailable – illness, the last months of pregnancy, travel. There are also times when spouses, just get on each others’ nerves. At times like this, other people can seem very appealing. That can be dangerous, because there are plenty of very attractive people out there who are willing to make themselves available to married men and women. Do you want someone who has never said ‘no’ to sex? If he is not good at saying ‘no’ at eighteen, it won’t be different at forty. Do you want to worry about whether or not your spouse is being faithful? These are very important questions, and if you are not comfortable with all of the answers, you should definitely not marry this person.

None if this is to say that feelings play no role at all in a marriage decision. You don’t have to, ‘Well, I suppose that you would make a good spouse and parent, so even though I don’t particularly like you I guess I’ll marry you’. You need to be happy and excited about the prospect of spending your life with someone. Your brain however must acknowledge that this person as a good choice. Don’t listen to your heart alone nor your head alone. Wait until your heart and head agree…

Complicated..

2009-05-26T21:59:00.001+03:00

As you can see, there are feelings between you and me
But when we try to agree, you start to break free

I stare right at you; you know what I want to do
But you move back smooth, saying' I need to choose, that I'm confused

Complicated it is. You and I are in this
Ignorance is bliss, why do you insist to fight this..

Just come here, there's something you need to hear
I try to speak clear, but I mumble of fear

You are complicated, and it makes me frustrated
I just hate it, love is overrated!

You need to tell me something, cause when it comes to everything
You make it so complicating, all I need to know is one thing

Fear..

2008-08-11T08:20:00.006+03:00

Releasing my hand, after having checked my pulse, the doctor jotted down something. “I will need this blood report by tomorrow evening before we go ahead with the surgery.”

“Oh sure, definitely!” Impulsive yet confidently, I replied with a cursory smile. I guess its pure coincidence that he told me about the test after he had taken my pulse reading which I believe was now beating faster.

I placed his test recommendation slip in my pocket and started walking down to the lab. After walking through clean, alleys I located the bold red words “Pathology Laboratory” at the end of the hallway. I told the ward boy about my test and he directed me to sit out with the other patients waiting anxiously for their turn.

There were about 7-8 boys and girls, who later I discovered had come for routine check up under corporate health policy, waiting for their turn for the blood tests. These patients were unlike the usual ones – ill, pale, or ailing. They were very much like me. Healthy, fit and well! One by one they were going in and coming back with a folded elbow. Some with triumphant smiles and couple of them with tears.

With each of them coming out my turn was getting closer and inevitable. There was something that was bothering me now. Fear! I must say. They all had it. Unlike them I was not carrying it on, kinesthetically.

This is where things get slightly messy.

Fully aware of damaging my macho image, I confess that I am totally scared of needles! This red, hemoglobin rich liquid, by nature, should be inside my body. I am perfectly fine as long as it stays there. The trouble starts only when somebody straps a black band around my arm, asks me to tighten my fist, injects a sharp needle inside the bulging nerve and sucks out a few milliliters of it. Phew!

Finally it was time. I reached the lab. I placated myself saying that those days I was a little boy, now I was a 26 year old. Though that never actually put me to ease I tried to believe it. I was now sitting at the hot seat which was hotter than the usual.

The lab assistant approached me, needle in her hand. I turned away and stared at the open road when she took my right arm in her custody. I felt my whole body going cold. My forehead, I found, was sweating. I knew this feeling. The same feeling I have had as a little boy.

The problem with having an imaginative mind is that, it shows images in your mind that are far worse than what is actually going on.

While I looked up and saw blurred images of the medicine racks someone loaded the film roll and turned on the projector in my minds eye. Vivid images of the needle puncturing into the nerve, blood rushing in with great velocity as the piston draws back, blood spluttering out through the small orifice made by the needle, after the syringe is pulled out.

GOD! As I said, I should rather have looked at what was going on instead of turning away.

At times in life there are moments which seem like ages. These are such moments of my life. And I know I have many such more waiting for me. And these moments last more than you wish them to much unlike to those which you wish to last.

I staggered out of the lab and walked out I started getting a funny feeling. Rejecting it as yet another fragment of my imagination I walked and crashed on to the bench outside. The guy next to me completely perplexed in the change of personality in me offered a smile

“Better?..Feeling better?”
“Er..hm..what..yeah..”
“Drink some water. Wash your face”
“Yeah..hmm..yes…er”
“Blood test?”
“Nope, HIV test”
“Oh! don’t worry things will be fine, I can understand how you feel!” he smiled sympathetically, which was nothing more than a smirk.

I did not reply knowing that he would take leave, stay home, roll all over the floor and laugh at the joke for three full days and two full nights, share it with his friends…

I simply smiled back and then kept walking towards home…

And for you who now know that I am scared of needles I have something joyful to share.

I am HIV NON REACTIVE!!

Eagle Nest Wildlife Sanctuary

2008-07-23T12:57:00.000+03:00

This was a long awaited trip. The name itself, Eagle Nest Wildlife Sanctuary, had captured my imaginations when I had seen it in the itinerary, as I have always been fascinated by eagles.

We left for the sanctuary at around 8 in the morning. Forty six of us left in three vehicles - two Sumos and an open Trax with many happily perched on top of the vehicles. Infact everyone wished to sit on the top as it is a different thrill to sit holding on to your lives. The light drizzle and cold wind adds further to the excitement.

This time I was not lucky enough to find a place on top and envied the guys having fun sitting atop on the vehicles in front of us. They kept disappearing and reappearing in the winding roads which in some places were at the very edge of precipitous slopes, while at other places very narrow. Soon the ride became bumpy as the tar road disappeared into an off road leading inside the forest. Then I heard the ‘ahhs’ and ‘oohs’ of people sitting on top and realised how blessed I was!

Our vehicle being an open half- truck people were either standing or squatting. So our driver had to slow down as the ride became too rough. Soon the vehicles in front of us disappeared into the hairpin bends. After some time our driver stopped the Trax and informed us that he would not be able to go any further into the forest as he did not have enough fuel. Without many options left we decided to walk.

What began as an unintentional walk to catch up with the group in front later turned out to be one of the best experiences in my life.

As we walked through the forest with my pace I had got separated and was now walking alone. It was just me and a trail leading me into an unknown terrain of green, lush forest, welcoming me to take notice of its details. The vegetation was very rich and exhaustive.

An unusual thrill soared within me.
Suddenly I heard songs. Loud, noisy camp songs! The delight that was sprouting within me was trampled. I hurriedly walked towards the source and saw the other two Sumos parked onto the side. One of the Sumos had a flat tyre so they couldn’t go any further. So the other vehicle had to leave for the town to get the tyre fixed. The group was enjoying singing and dancing and some still sitting happily atop the vehicle.

Good thing was all forty six of us had to walk.
Not so good being the fact that now I had to share this space of solitude and tranquillity with the rest of us. We started walking together. It is like the standard marathon race where every one starts off together but then soon settles down at their own sweet pace.

Soon I was walking alone, this time intentionally. After I managed to have good distance from everyone around I stopped for everything that caught my attention.

The clouds, the rain, the trees, the mist and the mountains, they were playing amongst themselves. Even though the changes were quick and dramatic it was all so perfect.

I noticed the moss and the other epiphytes draping the branches of the lofty trees, the colourful butterflies fluttering by, from one flower to the other. The musical notes of the chirpy birds, the rain drops falling on to the leaves and the wind echoing through the branches produced a harmonious symphony.

I soon regained my eccentric solitude with absolute silence. The forest had a spiritual realm where everything was at peace. With itself, within itself.

As I walked I came across a patch of lush, grassy undergrowth with bare, charred trunks towering amidst the green canvas like a sore in the eye. I came across various such patches through out the whole walk.

Later I learnt it from the guides that the Indian army had set certain patches of the forest on fire. They wished to build a road through the sanctuary which was not possible otherwise. By burning and clearing up the tree cover the top soil would be lost, a healthy, green forest could then be declared as degraded land. Then with such claims the land is lawfully encroached upon and yet another forest is gone. Pure murder!

Fortunately this time some vigilant social watchdogs prevented this ecological disaster. Now with time and almost nil human interference this patch has re-generated into a beautiful forest, but still bears an ugly testimony of our impending desires and our unsatisfied needs.

It was almost noon but there was still no sign of sun. It had been misty and cloudy throughout with slight drizzles which made the walking pleasant. No leeches made it carefree and more enjoyable as compared to the walk through Pakke National Park where every one was more worried about leech bites.

After walking for about four hours, with innumerable breaks, we reached a small shack. It was here where lunch was supposed to arrive by jeeps but there was no sign of it. Often guys wonder why girls carry such heavy backpacks for short trails. If and when they need to shoulder the load, as poor little thing is not able to carry it anymore, they even grumble. But it’s in moments like these, that we guys are grateful for that extra load they were carrying.

Thirty five girls compared to twelve guys so food was never a problem. While we had a snack-lunch everyone was hoping for the vehicles to arrive. Finally with no signs or sound of the vehicles we decided to walk back. Honestly, I was happy as I wanted to walk back. I wasn’t tired, thanks to the pleasant weather and easy walking.

The group walked faster and was much quieter. That’s what probably hope and despair can do to you, hope of meeting the vehicles on the next turn, despair of walking till that next turn.

The Sanctuary is located in the West Kameng District of Arunachal Pradesh covering an area of 217 sq km. It is truly a bird watchers paradise as we spotted sunbirds, laughing thrush, crow pheasants, chest nut bellied minlas, fly-catchers, bee-eaters and many more.

The guides told us that they have sighted elephant herds, tigers, leopards, gorals and other small mammals. Though we weren’t lucky to see any of them partly because we were making too much noise and secondly because they move onto higher altitudes during monsoons. We did see elephant trails which were nothing but crushed vegetation and trampled trees.

Finally after having walked for an hour or so the two vehicles arrived, with food. Ever since we have started this camp we have been eating non vegetarian meals at least once a day. Today it was fish curry which was simply delicious. It may be also because we all were very hungry. It is a different experience of having food out in the open, in the middle of a forest.

Once we ate full we packed both the vehicles with maximum number of people, especially all those who were tired and could not walk any further. The two guides and only nine of us were left behind. It was almost four by the time the Sumos left for the hotel. We decided to walk hoping for that the Trax was coming back for us.

The sky was clearing up. It had stopped drizzling and now one could see the clouds descending from the horizon. It was a sight to behold. There was still no sign of the sun only the rays falling on to the green blanket below. With the mist clearing up the forest was revealing a different sight. Infinite shades of green.

Slowly but steadily it was getting dark.

After having walked for over seven hours now we were walking at snail pace. Since it was getting dark it was important that every one had to walk together. Even though we were not covering great distance we kept walking. Our observations of the forest had completely narrowed down to the trail in front of us. By now our walk too, had become mechanical, I don’t know if you have ever experienced it. Our feet were just carrying us where our eyes were looking.

Finally we reached an open camp site which is often used by the locals and the guides. If it was raining then probably we would have continued walking. Since it wasn’t we decided to rest there until the Trax arrived. By then the guides had lit up a fire and we all sat around it. The moon was shining bright creating a silhouette of the canopy above, added a spooky feeling, with the trees taking on eerie shapes.

Perfect timing and set up for listening to stories and experiences! Forgetting everything about our surroundings, our physical state and worries we had a good time until we heard the roar of an engine at a distance. In another few moments two beaming headlights shone bright at our faces, lighting up our faces. Finally our ride had arrived!

Tired, soaked and hyperbolically euphoric we packed ourselves into the Sumo and bid farewell to the forest which has been so beautiful throughout the day. Though I didn’t sight any eagles but this one truly is one of the best walks of my life.

Ride to Queen of hills..

2008-05-30T17:30:00.006+03:00

08-09 March 2008
27 Roadshakers and three pillions

An overnight ride to Mahabaleshwar.

After my last ride to Kharghar during which we had a series of minor breakdowns I realised the importance of last minute checkups. Most of them could have been avoided with just regular maintenance and some basic check-up.So I realised that prevention was ‘definitely’ better than breakdowns!

I reached Alex’s workshop at 1100 hours and I saw many Roadshakers waiting for their turns to get their machines checked, examined and repaired. Breakdowns are a harsh reality of rides but they are not inevitable! After Ridermania 08 this was the first ride with such a good count so everyone was excited and looking forward to a pleasant and smooth ride to Mahabaleshwar.

The activity at his place was high as guys kept pouring in and in at his place. After three hours of waiting in the soaring heat Alex finally got a chance to check and test ride Chaos. He tweaked the chain setting and then gave me assurance saying everything looked alright. By now hunger pangs had started digging into me and I wasn’t really keen on riding empty stomach. It was already 0200 hours and we were to assemble at City Pride, Satara at 0300 hours.

Just as I was about to leave Sidhu and Rajat arrived at Alex’s place. From them I learnt that they had gone on air on Radio Mirchi, it carried a segment on Roadshakers. Thus they were to ride a little late and were planning to catch up with the rest of the pack; finding opportunity to have a quick grab I decided to ride with them.Sidhu and I left Alex’s place leaving Rajat behind as he had some major work. A quick stop at Subway, where we ate full, then topped up our fuel tanks and left for Magarpatta. Rajat was to meet us and we three were to ride together. Meanwhile we informed the group at City Pride and asked them to go ahead. Bad news followed as we learnt that Rajat’s handle broke away while he was still at Alex’s place. Good that it happened at Alex’s place bad that he would be late and would have to ride alone.

It was 4 by the time we both left for the ride.We rode through the city and soon entered the highway through the old Katraj tunnel. Few odd kms and I saw Yuvraj and Ujjwal waiting for us. Soon four of us began our race to catch up with the rest of the gang which would be waiting for us at the Khambatki toll-naka. The heat was exhausting. So the only breaks we took was to wet our dried throats.

Beyond Katraj ghats the roads were straight, clean and good which made riding at high speeds smooth and easy.At around 0500 we reached Khambatki toll-naka and saw the guys waiting for us at the juice centre. In total we added up to 17 riders with three pillions. After a small briefing we decided to carry on to our destination. Not before we gulped innumerable glasses of cold cane juice. Soon we rode again. Manish led with Vishal and Sidhu sweeping and ensuring the pack rode together.

The route to Mahabaleshwar is blessed with three ghats - Katraj, Khambatki and Pasarani. And our love for ghats has earned us the reputation of ‘Ghatis’, it’s not a racially prejudiced word but a title given to the Roadshakers for their sheer skills on curves, slopes and corners.

Khambatki ghat is beautiful to ride as it is one way which gives many the thrills to take full use of corners, lean and burn their foot pegs. So the throttles opened and soon one could see the chain of fellow thumpers disappearing and reappearing in the curves and turns ahead. If one wants to see a Roadshaker in his true form this is where it should be.

We regrouped after crossing the ghat. Then soon came the right turn which leads to Panchagani. We passed through a small stretch of weekend traffic before we reached Pasarani ghat.The setting sun was graceful than ever. It added some reddish glow to the azure sky. Amidst much needed respite from the heat we began our ascent.

Unlike Khambatki, Pasarani is two way. So here we had to be careful about the traffic from the other end. Especially the red devils (state transport buses) which at times just choose to ignore the ‘aam aadmi’. Even though we were slower than Khambatki it was a clean sailing all the way up to Panchagani.We rode past Mapro where the urge to have one little break over the scrumptious strawberry cream was very strong but we kept riding.

After paying a nominal toll (pollution tax) we entered Mahabaleshwar. We rode past an overcrowded Venna Lake clogged due to haphazard traffic. When 17 roaring bulls makes way through a chaotic congestion all what is left is smirks and raised eyebrows.Soon we reached the main market. Vehicles are not allowed on the main market street; however, there are a couple of parking lots near the bus stand, which are quite convenient. Being a weekend and with our group so big we had to find a bigger and convenient parking space. And the only place we could find was a No entry zone. With permission from the local authorities we got to park our steeds for about 10 minutes which was more than enough for us.

We were staying at Sai Regency a place which is frequented by the club members; it is about 6 kms on Satara Road. Since it was away from the main market we had to pick snacks, cold drinks and water. Couple of guys decided to stay guard the bikes and rest ventured out into the market.
Being a weekend destination for honeymooners, families and all those who are simple looking for a change from their hectic lifestyle the market was full of beautiful strangers. So it was nice to see familiar faces in the horde thronging the slot machines and video games. By the time we bought the stuff and returned to the parking lot it was dark.

As we got ready to leave Raza and Eklavya joined us at the parking lot. So the count went up to 19. Four guys including me decided to stay and wait until they were done with their rationing. The rest rode towards the hotel. In order to be on the safe side I had bought 3 five litre water bottles which then looked sensible but proved difficult to be carried due to their irregular and huge size. Somehow with the help of bungee cords and some ropes I managed to hang them on my bull. Once Raza and Eklavya returned we started riding I realised it wasn’t a wise idea to leave the bottles hanging as they kept shifting and created trouble especially during turns and curves. So much against our wishes we rode slowly!

The route to hotel from the market was through a forest. As it was pitch dark the only light we saw was our beams shining through the forest and the only sound we could hear was the echoes of our thumping bulls. This was my first ride through a forest at night. Eerie! But beautiful! I simply loved the experience.I wanted to ride it again.

It was almost 8 when we reached Sai Regency. It’s a small but welcoming place. There are a row of pleasant and spacious rooms which can accommodate about 30 people. And since it was economically viable we had booked it exclusively for us. In front of the rooms was a well lit quad which over looked a valley.

The count was 21 (19 riders and 3 pillions). Rajat was on his way and another batch of 5 riders was leaving from City Pride at 9. Even though we had shopped lot of bakery items and eatables we wanted to have a good meal. And as it was time for dinner we decided the menu - chicken curry, dum aloo, rajma, daal, rice and rotis. Funny it is that recipes which are a part of our daily course can also sound very special and delicious at times. Everything except chicken was available in the resort so one had to go to the main market.

I jumped up to the idea of being one of the volunteers as I wanted to ride through the forest patch again. Four of us left for the market. It was relaxing to ride as a pillion; it felt light and cold without the gear. With the fresh cold wind blowing past us it was purely rejuvenating! Forests have always captivated my fantasy. And as usual this forest too bore a magical realm.

Soon we were back in the midst of noise, lights and strangers. After a brief search we found couple of shops. After calculations and negotiations we left with about 8 and half kilos of raw meat to suffice the hunger pangs of roughly 15 guys rest being strictly vegetarians. Soon we passed through market again amidst the tempting aroma emanating from the tandoor, the red juicy strawberries and mulberries and scrumptious dishes which were all very compulsive. We moved on without giving into any of our temptations. Finally Rajat arrived and after a brief confusion met us in the market. What we couldn’t resist was sweet corn which we had on our way out of the market.

A laughter session was already in full swing when we reached the resort. Quickly we handed over everything to the cook and joined them. Sitting in a circle everyone was narrating his/her own experiences from past rides and meetings. With food and booze all over it looked like a feast where long lost friends have gathered after ages. For many it was just another evening away from daily routine, office and other humdrums of daily life.

A while ago the valley which was echoing with the thump of our machines was now resonating our pure sinful laughter and songs.

By the time the tales and stories got over few were high on emotions and others on alcohol and some on both. Close acquaintances and long time friends chose to sit in their own spaces to share mysteries, miseries and happiness. And few who were neither drunk nor had much interesting, rib tickling stories to share either preferred to enjoy the scenes or were busy taking care of the ones who were creating those scenes.

I did neither of them.

I decided to take a walk into the woods. Sidhu too decided to come along on this adventure. Even though I was carrying my Maglite I preferred not to use them as there is always enough light even on a moonless night for one to see. It is only a matter of time till one gets adjusted to the darkness. As we walked away from the noise and light, stillness and darkness crept in.

Another hundred meters and we came into a clear opening from where one could see the star lit night. It looked gorgeous. We sat down in awe of it gazing at countless shining constellations reminding us about small wonders which city life deprives us of. As we sat we talked about our childhood, college, plans for the future and the dreams that we aspire. One never realises how time flies by when one talks about things he/she loves. It has always been a mystery for me. May be for many!

Soon hunger over powered all our thoughts and conversations and we decided to walk back to our hotel. By the time we reached the buffet was laid out. The non vegetarians were hogging on all the dishes while the veggies helplessly kept appealing to leave some food behind. In times like these quantity matters, quality doesn’t.

And if the food is yummy one can imagine the fracas.

After having gorged on a heavy meal few retired to sleep. Some continued on their emotional alcoholic rampage and some busy supervising their acts. We were still expecting the next batch of 5 guys who had left City Pride at 9. Last we heard about them was that they had stopped for dinner before Khambatki.

Sai Regency is slightly off the main road. And at night one could easily miss it if he/she is not aware of its location. So Varun, Nipun and I decided to wait for them on the main road as it was already 0100 hours and they were expected any minute. Though we couldn’t see much due to the thick forest cover but one could hear any noise from far off distance. About 30 minutes later we heard the thumping sound and with each passing moment the noise was getting louder and clearer.

Another 5 minutes and their headlights momentarily blinded us. Soon there was a session of greets and hugs followed by another round of laughter and cheers. This was followed by yet another session of songs and booze.

I did not want to miss the sunrise as it had been along time. Since I wasn’t sure of the exact time I decided to sleep. It was 0200 by the time I slept.

Next what I felt was my mobile go berserk under my pillow. It was 5 but felt as if I had slept for just few minutes. Surprisingly I was feeling fresh unlike other days when even after 8 hours sleep I find it difficult to get out from my bed. I quietly finished with my civic activities and another in 30 minutes I was out of my room. It was quite dark outside and I could see still see some bright stars twinkling yet fading. I saw Vishal all geared up and ready to leave as he had to leave for Pune due to some urgency.

We were staying 2 kms away from Wilson Point which is also commonly known as Sunrise Point. It is a vast plateau. It is believed to be the highest point in Mahabaleshwar and one can also see the sunset from this point. So in principle this was the best place to view sunrise.

But I had different plans.

My idea was to ride to Venna Lake and watch the sunrise from lakeside. In spite of being within Mahabaleshwar this Lake has its own identity, and is capable of drawing ones attraction towards it. There were many reasons for which I wanted to go there main reason being the early morning ride through the forest. Also this could be my best bet to get a glimpse of some birds.

We rode past the forest, crossed the junction of the main market and rode past the lake. Vishal carried on and I rode on to the plateau besides the lake and rode till the end of the ridge. From there I had a clear view of the horizon in front of me with the Lake right behind me. I parked my steed and I waited for the sunrise. I guess I was too early but glad that I wasn’t late.

I find such moments precious and special as this is the time when I take time to pause, to observe, to ponder, reflect and just be silent.

Slowly the colour of the horizon was changing and now I could see the brightest stars fading to the new dawn. The air was refreshingly cold and pure unlike anywhere else. The Lake which was overtly crowded and noisy yesterday evening bore a deserted look. With very few morning walkers the place was silent. This silence was occasionally interrupted by the chirpings from the near by forest. I could hear at least 3 different bird calls. Out of which I could distinctly identify the Magpie Robin, commonly known as bulbul. And being an excellent mimic of other bird’s call I wasn’t really sure about the other birds.

Situated in the heart of Sahyadri Hills, in Satara District, this hill station is said to have a legendary past. But, some say that the name 'Mahabaleshwar', which simply means very mighty God, seems to have a mythological past. As the name 'Mahabaleshwar' is derived from a temple of Lord Mahadev and three Sanskrit words, "Maha" (great), "Bal" (power) and "Ishwar" (God). It truly seemed to have some divine nature which is why everything seemed so perfect.

Soon as the horizon started to glow the chirpings became continuous. I could now see the Strawberry fields, the picturesque landscape and smoke emanating from tiny houses below the ridge. Mahabaleshwar and Panchgani regions are eco sensitive regions with regards to Environment Protection Act. So the existing forests, horticultural areas such as strawberry farms, raspberry farms, and tribal areas are declared as environmentally sensitive areas only to ensure that the natural ecology of the region is maintained.

Slowly yet relentlessly the sun rose. It was beautiful to see the different shades of nature.As I sat there with my eyes closed I listened to the hectic yet musical chirpings. With each passing moment the light falling on to my face was getting brighter. The warmth of the rays cutting across the chilly wind was now comforting. I felt bliss. I don’t think I can capture my feelings with any amount of adjectives as these are moments to be experienced.

After this stimulating experience I rode back. The forest which was dark and intimidating the night before was now enlivened and full of activity. I slowed down many a times to stop and admire what nature has in its fold. I saw sailor butterflies dancing through the woods as if welcoming the new dawn. I rode past a silent graveyard which bore a peaceful testimony. The entire stretch was quiet, calm and serene.

Once back in the hotel I saw some guys sitting and basking in sun enjoying few minutes of silence and solace. Some were busy cleaning their bulls and some busy clicking pics of the picturesque view in front of the hotel. And many of our late night stars were still snoring away to glory.

By 0900 hours everyone was up some with mild hangover and some with no recollection of any of their antics from the previous night. Half-cooked ‘Pohe’ and few cups of ‘chai’ made for a decent breakfast. Honestly most of the guys wanted to hog at the Mapro so there was not much interest in ‘Pohe’. Suddenly someone suggested to ride to Murud and then to Pune. i.e. another 300 plus kms. Instantly I was in. After lot of deliberations 4 of us (Sidhu, Rajat, Ujjwal and me) decided to ride to Murud and then to Pune. Others decided to stick to the original plan.

We settled accounts by splitting the expenses equally and it roughly came up to about 250 for non vegetarians and 200 for vegetarians (minus the fuel). Then we geared up and left for Wilson point where we had our group picture. After some good clicks we parted away ironically same destination but different routes.

It was just 1000 hours and we were already feeling the heat. Our route was via Poladpur – Khed – Murud – Pune. Poladpur is about 40 kms from Mahabaleshwar and was a lovely ride. The ghat was awesome with some good road. Soon the heat started playing spoilsport. Once we crossed Poladpur we decided to take a break. Took a stock of the situation and realised it was going to be a tough ride because of the heat. Since we really enjoyed the ride so far we really didn’t wanted to end it on a dehydrated note.

So we did Poladpur again and reached Mahabaleshwar. Refuelled tanks at Mahabaleshwar where Rajat got a son disciplined by his folks over an orange (for more details please contact him). Sight to see! Then we rode to Mapro, had a good filling feast on strawberry with cream and grilled sandwiches. The first batch had reached Pune around 1300 hours.

It was 1500 hours by the time we left for Pune.Since we were just four, we rode faster. And the only break we took was after crossing Pasarani and Khambatki. Drank fresh cane juice, rested for a while and then full throttle all the way back home.

Another ride has come to an end, one more set of memories created and yet few milestones covered..

Raju?

2008-03-20T09:09:00.000+03:00

“The guy who drove you to Mumbai this weekend died due to a heart attack at 4 in the morning.”

Ideally this news should have just given me a momentary pause from my busy work schedule to grieve for him. Ideally I should have just forced myself one last time to remember his forgotten face only to forget again. Ideally I should have just spoken some good words as condolence about his good mannerisms. Another sigh and a pause should have been perfect and it was all over.

If it was then why are my eyes swelled up with tears? Why did that momentary grief which should have lasted for a few moments continue to linger and overshadow my thoughts? Why that is then this forgotten face is trying real hard to be remembered?

All I can recollect is a small, thin, soft spoken, modestly dressed figure. Some of this I didn’t notice even while I was with him. But that’s how it is now.
My interaction with him was just limited to an enquiry about the route or whether he needed a tea break?

Do I know his name?
Raju?

Then why?
Why doesn’t he just leave me alone and spare me this agony?
Why am I not immune like many other around me?
Is there something left unsaid, undone?

Something more than the just obvious!

Why there are tears in my eyes for a stranger whom I had known for only few hours?
I fail to fathom.

While he has departed for his heavenly abode he has left behind this despair.
Why didn’t he just take them along? May be he did!

Unfinished business, unfulfilled promises and postponed dreams for a day which he would now never see.

Did he get a chance to contemplate with them?
May be he did.
May be he didn’t.
Does anyone do?

Is it really about him?
Or is it about someone else?

Someone more than the just obvious!

First Anniversary..

2008-02-29T08:04:00.003+03:00

** This is an e-mail I had sent to my colleagues on completing one year in PLI (Pragati Leadership Institute)

Dear All,
Today I complete one year being a part of ‘Pragati Family’.

I found it really difficult and almost impossible to sum up my gratitude in a thank you note.

So in a state of pure joy for this accomplishment I wish to take liberty to share this write up which I had written a couple of weeks ago.

The other day while I was sitting with an old hostel friend, who is now employed in the booming IT industry, we discussed about our jobs amongst many other things.

He was expressing our transition from real freedom to assumed freedom. I am here talking about our transition from our college to the big competitive corporate world. He was comparing the good old days of hostel with his experiences of the so called glamorous and fun filled IT industry.

The days we used to linger around spacious hot open grounds and noisy class rooms. Those days when with just 100 Rs. in pocket we used to plan the whole week within that budget. But now we wander along the well cleaned, fully air-conditioned corridors with about five to six credit cards in our pocket planning where to swipe the cards. Credit cards eagerly waiting to eat next month's salary. Financially we just moved on from a lower level financial stability to a higher level of viscous financial instability.

It’s difficult to believe that it was just couple of years ago 100 Rs. seemed to be thousands and now even thousands seems to be nothing.

College canteen, cutting chai at our own chaiwallah were our favorite hot spots where we spent hours together, having a hearty chat with our buddies forgetting the whole world. Today Café Coffee Day, Mochas, Baristas have taken those places. With mostly numbers, deadlines and targets being the reason of conversation.

What a coffee cost 5Rs couple of years back has now gone up to 50Rs a cup and yet its tasteless, meaningless.

Those precious days where we used to laugh for nothing, even when we failed in our papers because we got 30 marks for an empty paper. But now we rarely smile except the smile for the forward we just received or the smile to your our colleagues to impress them.

Hate and Ego were words unheard in those days. You smash or hit your friend for some reason and the next moment you walk along him with hands on his shoulders. But now you don’t like the guy sitting beside you because he's getting a salary 10k greater than you or he's always being appreciated by your Boss. True friends are hard to find here!

In college if some one talked bad about our college we found our blood boiling inside even though we didn't like our principal.

But here loyalty is the lost word; we just look for opportunities to criticize our company.

We had seen the late nights only on the eve of the exam, when we relied on a friend to wake us at 1or 2am. The only time tension ever grappled was when we were just entering the examination hall to realize that we forgot to revise an important question that my friend had suggested will surely appear on this exam. But today you work at least 5 days a week till 1 or 2 in the night to deliver something to your unknown client who is at US or UK. You are aimlessly typing at the useless word document that your Boss asked you to finish with his tailor made smile.

Tension, stress and migraine being an integral, inseparable part of us!

With calls from home and your eye lids eager to kiss each other; you promise them to allow it a little later.

My friend ended his monologue with an analogy where he said “It seems I have been in my own desert where I have realized that I am running away from the warmth of the Oasis to chase a mirage. A mirage that has lots of promises, but it’s still just a mirage. When I turn back I find thousands chasing that mirage with an ID card around their neck. I wish them all the best.”

Once finished he looked at me for a nod or a sigh as affirmation.

I smiled.

I continue to smile even now while I write this piece.

Only if I could resonate with his experience or agree with him!

Writing all this to celebrate my first anniversary with Pragati where I have an experience which doesn’t match with anything that my friend accounted for.

Thank you all for your love, care, guidance and most importantly friendship during these 12 months which gives me a reason to smile.

It has truly been a blessed and wonderful year!

Yours truly,
anish menon

PS: I joined Pragati Leadership Institute on the 28th February, 2007.

To my fellow brethren..

2008-01-23T13:25:00.001+03:00

At some point of time we ‘all’ have been fascinated by this machine and have dreamt of owning one.

Like many I fell in love with this machine at a very young age.
How and when is immaterial as this love and passion only grew with time.

I learnt riding at the legal age of 18 years.
Following which I made helpless, repeated requests to buy a Royal Enfield which were turned down by my parents as youthful stupidity.

I am 26 now.
And till about two months ago I did not possess a driving license.
Not because I do not adhere to traffic rules or could not pass the test but simply because I didn’t ride.

Born and brought up in Delhi, I went on to graduate from Mumbai in 2006.
After graduation I took up various jobs till I finally settled down with my current one in Pune.

Of all the cities I have been to I guess Pune is the worst in terms of public transport.
Having lived through the killer ‘Bluelines’ of Delhi and having survived the Mumbai locals, travelling in Pune has been my worst experience.
Not because its risky but simply because of it's poor public transport system.

My desire to own this beast was reaching its zenith when each day I set out to commute in this city.More than temptation it was the frustration of travelling in inadequate, overcrowded, sweaty and most times dirty buses.

The strong conviction that I did not wish to finance this beauty either from a bank or by my parents was a reason for me to go through this ordeal each day.
I wanted to buy it on my own hard earned money.
Call it self satisfactory feel good factor or simply a lofty ego!

Many a times our dreams and wishes comes with a price, one must be just willing to pay it..

Nine months down through this tribulation I had saved enough and now was short of just couple of thousands to buy this enigmatic machine. This was the weakest phase when the urge to borrow the remaining few thousands from parents was the strongest.

Just then as if the heavens bent down seeing my hardships and granted me my wishes.
I received an unexpected Diwali Bonus which added up to the magical figure.

The same weekend I applied and procured a learner’s license and later in that evening, I was at the Royal Enfield dealer checking out the steeds lined up in an orderly fashion. This was the first time I was seeing so many untouched, untamed and unclaimed beast at one place.

Amidst all this I was looking for the one that I had specifically come for – dual tone silver Electra 5s.
Why?
Why not?!

Only after enquiring I learnt that the dual tone was out of stock and the company wasn’t manufacturing much of them to keep the demand supply chain high.
I don’t know how true/untrue it is.
And I was least bothered about the same.

But the fact that I would have to wait for yet another month to get what I wished for was killing me.

DAMN!

My impending desire to own this machine was stronger than my patience to wait for one more month of wait, struggle, frustration and temptation!

Another 30 minutes and I owned an Electra 5s only difference the colour being Black.
This was the only available, unclaimed machine in the entire showroom.
As I frayed my hands across the beauty I left behind a print on the dust coating.
Instinctively, I pulled out my handkerchief and brushed her.
In return she glowed as if thanking me for this gesture.

I turned in the key and kick start my baby and it went... dug…dug…dug…
It was heavenly music to my ears!

I shifted gear and took it for our maiden ride..Dug..dug..dug..dug..dug..dug..dug..dug..dug..
I don’t think any amount of words can describe my ecstasy.
Neither am I attempting to.
I was simply hyperbolocally EUPHORIC!

I returned to the showroom as I had to leave her behind for RTO formalities.
Even though this umbilical connect was just an hour old I felt the pain as I left her behind.

On my way back home which ought to be my last bus ride ever I named the beauty ‘CHAOS’.
According to Greek mythology Chaos was the vacant and infinite space which existed and out of which the gods, men, and all things arose.

For me it was something similar.
The joy, the bliss, the happiness, the thrill, the delight, the excitement, she gave me was something never experienced before.
I guess I was still in a state of trance.
It gave birth to so many new emotions, feelings and senses that I felt the name were apt for my baby.

Chaos is now over two months old and has crossed the 2500 kms mark.
I already see this relationship growing into something magical and beautiful.

It has redefined riding to me.
And I realise that it's not always about the rider but the ride too..

Was the wait and pain worth it?
Absolutely!

I feel it’s one of the best things that have happened to me.

Next priority is to pass my riding test which is a mere formality to obtain my permanent license and then hit the highways..!!

Before signing off I wish to pray for all my fellow brethren whose dreams are yet to come true that your time shall come and we shall meet sometime, somewhere thumping on the highway.

Till then,
Adios with chaos..

i loved you..?

2008-01-14T14:28:00.000+03:00

you said you loved me..
but showed so much doubt,
I gave you my love in return I do without.

did everything for you dear what more expected is due..
tried to make you happy got sorrow back from you..

I lived your gamely lies till I lost all my pride,
until the fragment of my spirit choked up inside..

I truly gave to you..
if only it was returned,
and now it is late that I have learned.

I think I have had enough..
it is time for me to move on,

can’t hold on to something that I know is gone.

don’t think I ever had what I thought it was,
must have been something else but surely wasn’t Love.

have to say good-bye dear..
I need to think of me,
it hurts to walk away but that’s how it’s got to be.

hope I can move on..
new life waits me ahead,

wish it were with You and not this way instead..

Full Throttle..

2007-12-27T16:50:00.000+03:00

23rd, December 2007

My first riding 'event' with Roadshakers!

We were to ride up to Sianghad fort. Attendees were to be paired randomly. Then trek up to the fort in pairs, collect a coupon from a volunteer stationed above and race down to the base. Put on the riding gear and ride up to the fort. The winners were to get attractive prizes.

I was more excited about the whole experience than the prize.

This event was also the first in the series to pull up our socks in terms of our stamina. And this need was felt very strongly by the club and the members.

So I was expecting it to be hotly contested event with loads of fun.

On the day of the event about 9 Roadshakers turned up at our rendezvous point. Even though the count was low than what I had expected I was glad to see these guys. I was still hoping to see some more guys at the base of Sianghad fort.

As the clock ticked half past seven we decided to proceed to the base where the event had been planned.

Sidhu decided to lead with Ram being the sweeper.

Though we started in a single file I saw the others disappear in front of me. I was to be at the tail of the person in front of me but he was just too fast for me. I was hesitant about opening the throttle as Chaos was still new and was running in.

Soon I realised I needed to as I was not only slowing down Ram, who was right on my tail, but also the group in front of me.

..60..70..

I crossed 80..

This was the first time in two months I had crossed 80 and the feel was completely different.

Till today I was happy riding through the breeze blowing at me.., now I was happier creating my own wind..

Soon we caught up with the rest of the group while they were refueling at the gas station.

From then on I decided not to let the person in front disappear again.

But soon I realised how wrong I was.

After a good chase I lost the tail again only to be left behind. That’s when I appreciated the functionality of the sweeper. Ensure that the no man is left behind.

Soon we were off the highway on to a busy road which led to Sianghad.
For a moment I was delighted to see the turns and the curves thinking it will slow down the whole ride.

Soon I realised I was wrong again.

This beast is powerful.
True.
But I had never seen anyone riding them at such speeds.

I mean I am from a different school of thought.
For me the machine is about sophistication, a unique style and a classiness of its own, which makes riding graceful and elegant.
It is as much different from other bikes as much as boys are from men.

Anyways all these thoughts were being brutally crushed by these guys who were busy auditioning for the ‘Dhoom’ series..

Soon I was left behind with my shadow and of course, Ram who was throttling right at my tail waiting just to spear ahead.

Finally he did.
I guess that’s where his patience lost to my disbelief.

He rode past me.
The gentlest way in which his enduring spirit was yelling at me that buddy you are slow.

SLOW!

I was taking turns and curves at 70 odd speeds and still I was slow!!

Damn!

That’s when I decided to open the throttle, shift gears and race up till Ram who now seemed to be enjoying his ride more than he was doing a little while ago.

The first turn was an anxious one but was smooth.
Then came the second third and many more.

It felt nice.
It felt really, really nice.
And it was fun too.
I could visualise myself as the rider in front of me.

Then I saw Ram disappear into a turn.

Following suit I opened the throttle to get into the turn in the same fashion.
And then I realised the turn was too sharp for me to pass through.
At 70 kmph I was too late to slow down.
I did kill the acceleration.
Instinctively applied brakes which made it worse as I locked my handle.

All I saw in front of me was a pale withering wall which was right in front of me with arms open wide.
Suddenly I saw a thin muddy trail bordering the wall.
I was on it.
A second later I was on a pile of mud and construction material; still breathing!

I heard my heartbeat with Dolby digital surround clarity louder than my engine throttle.

Once I calmed down I realised my stupidity.

I realise now what I have managed to live through to write this piece.

At times life just needs split seconds to make you wiser.

Still shaken up, but with new found wisdom which I learnt in a foolish manner, I decided to ride on.

On the next turn I saw Ram waiting as he must have realised that I was missing from his rear view.

We rode again.

Only this time at my own pace and at my comfort!

Finally, we reached the base so what if we were a little late.
It is any day better than being graffiti over a wall and not reaching at all.

The final count at the base of the fort was 10. Baljeet was the last one to join the gang. The number was much below our expectations. And due to this low turnout the event was overruled. We decided to ride up to the fort which was altogether a different experience.

The same story of full throttle leaning over curves and glide over potholes, too fast and too furious!

I was calm and easy on throttle as I was very clear in my head of the do’s and don’ts.

We reached the top in another 30 minutes with some breaks and stoppages for clicks.

Parked our shining steeds in line and headed to the nearest stall for chai-pakodas. During conversations over cups of tea I shared my experience. In return I received stares, smiles, head shakes and some valuable advice.

By the time we set out to explore the fort, the sun was blaring but the winds made the walk pleasant.

Soon I realised why this event was planned and why it got canned.
Once again understood the term ‘wishful thinking’; in a different perspective.
Fitness seemed to be a concern.

Finally the break ridden exploration ended with peethla bhakris, curd and fresh lime juice.
Yummy!
A tasteful treat.

With tummies full and thirst quenched we rode back in the same formation.

And this time I made sure that I was sensible, confident and most importantly comfortable riding Chaos.

Overall an eventful day, I learnt a lot on and off the track and discovered a whole concept new concept of FULL THROTTLE!

I rode back home with sweet memories and definately wiser than before.

Chaos..

Sins..

2007-12-26T14:14:00.001+03:00

God created man as His incarnation on earth.

So to get rid of all of His own evils, He sent the original SEVEN SINS on earth.

ANGER

[aka: Saurabh Thakur, aka:Thaakurrr]

is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury.

It is also known as Wrath

ENVY

[aka:Khalil Mulla, aka: Machar]

is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.

GLUTTONY

[aka:Ashwin Joglekar, aka: Ganja, aka: Boxer]

is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

GREED

[aka:Abhishek Saha, aka: Abhinem]

is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual.

It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.

LUST

[aka:Lalit Soreng, aka:Junglee]

is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

PRIDE

[aka:Anish Menon aka:Chetta]

is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God.

SLOTH

[aka:Akash Mohimen, aka: Andha, aka:Movieman]

is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

SE7EN SINS

Away we came far from home,
Wondering where our next problem is coming from.
Building our dreams so high,
Hoping to touch the big blue sky.
As we came under one roof,
Slowly as ever we became aloof.
Each of us from different kins,
Proudly calling ourselves God's 7 sins.

(CHORUS)
Holding our hands we shall stand,
Spreading our evil across all land.
We shall fight off each other's fears,
Wiping away our own tears.
Making new bonds of fellowship,
Giving a new name to friendship.
With our witness being the lord,
We call ourseleves the 7 sins of god.

All of us had a troublesome past,
Now we hope this hapiness will last.
The romances of us friends,
Are the sort that make up legends.
Each one special in his pwn way,
Always we are happy and gay.
From our failures we draw inspiration,
Success is our only aspiration.

(CHORUS)

(RAP)
Greed and sloth,
We got them both.
Gluttony, pride and anger,
Can make a fool out of danger.
Along with eny and lust,
We make our enemies bite dust.
7 of us have a big heart,
A dull day we can kick star.
We really dont give a damn,
To religions made by man.
Society's norms are too narrow,
They dont stop us from being our own pharoah.
So as witness being the lord,
We call ourselves 7 sins of god.

(CHORUS)

Penned by Sloth in Oct, 2005.

Rendezvous with destiny..

2007-12-14T10:26:00.000+03:00

Wednesday, 12th Dec 2007.

It was 8 and I guess I was on time!

I was glad that I discovered this place previous evening as I did not wish to either miss it or be late for this Wednesday meeting.

Today I was going to meet the other Bullet riders from the city.
To be precise I was here to attend the weekly meeting of 'ROADSHAKERS'..

the Royal Enfield Bullet Club of Pune..

As I managed to cross over the busy road, I saw three Bulls parked adjacent to each other, in an orderly fashion. And three guys looking at me, enquiringly, wondering about my identity and the new beast.

For some strange reason I was a bit nervous.

May be it was my anxiety coupled with excitement or may be my awareness of the fact that these fellow strangers were watching me.I pretended to be undeterred by their scanning and parked CHAOS along with the other beasts. Just then one of the guys asked me to park it in the same manner in which they had parked their steeds.

So I reversed and parked it in line with the other beauties..

Once done I walked up to them and I guessed the Surd to be Baljit whom I had called up the other day to confirm the location of their weekly meeting point.

“Hi I am anish and you must be Baljit?” I greeted extending my hand for a handshake.

“Oh haan anish! tau tune hi mujhe kal phone kiya tha na! chalo badhiya hain. Iska naam hain Yuvraj and he ij Omkar. Iska bhi aaj first day hain. Bilkul tumhaari tarah. Ab aaj tum dono ek doosre per khade ho kar introduction dena. Nahi tum dono na aaj is mote par khade ho kar apna introduction karna. Bahut tagada aadmi hain ye. He is the foundation of Roadshakers” he replied in one breath and then burst into laughter.

Surds, as usual, jovial, friendly with a cheeky sense of humour..

I was feeling better once I learnt that about the other newcomer. Omkar too had come for the meeting for the first time. While I spoke to him I heard a thump and saw another beast come and park it in the same line.

Then as if the thump never died.

Being new and a complete stranger I decided to watch, unlike Onkar, who got busy doing his round of talks.

One by one I saw the men arrive on thier beauties and then following the same pattern.

Park their steeds in line.

Greets and hugs.

I sat on the footstep of some unfinished structure behind me to observe..

The joy with which they were sharing their stories and events reminded me of the reunion of the Jews after Yom kippur.

In another 30 minutes or so there were about 40 odd bulls standing adjacent to each other.

A little close to 9, I heard someone call out and then Ajinkya, a free lance web designer, told me to get ready for some thumping.

This was it!
The moment I had been waiting for was here.
At times one senses things with supernatural abilities.
I believe we all are born with that ability.
But we seldom trust it.
Déjà vu, intuition or dreams..

This time I believed it.

I was baptised with the adrenaline rush.

A minute later all I could hear was the thump in the air and then saw a cloud of dust and smoke rising from the ground.
Amidst this cloud of smoke and dust I saw the riders lining up one after the other in two parallel rows.
Without wasting time thinking I squeezed Chaos in one of the lines.

I had inhabited this city as a stranger for the last 9 months and nothing had excited me as much as this evening.

As we began thumping through the late city traffic my anxiety levels reached its pinnacle…

I was somewhere in the middle of this convoy.
We were in a formation of two rows with each rider having a partner along side riding at the same pace, all randomly paired.

It took me a while to realise that it was a highly choreographed act.
If one slowed down the other partner waited for his partner to catch up.
Initially I found it difficult but soon I found my rhythm, and then it was just a matter of acceleration.

What I loved the most was the discipline with which each rider drove with no overtaking, no speeding and followed the same pattern without causing any threat or problem for the usual traffic..
As the convoy moved together.. the thump created was exhilarating..
If felt as if we were taking a victory lap..

Then it all got confirmed at the next traffic signal..
With all heads turned towards us..
..eyes fixed on our magnificent beasts,
smiles being hurled upon with rare raised eyebrows..

And to this attention I chose to act as an innate soul..
But somewhere deep down inside I was loved this attention..
I felt nice..
I felt proud..
I felt powerful..
And I believe that is the beauty about this beast..
It transforms you into something beyond your imagination.

After about 20 minutes of thumping along the city traffic the convoy finally stopped in front of a restaurant named ‘Frangipani’.

I saw another set of bulls already parked in front of the restaurant.
Then again there was another session of hugs and handshakes..

I just choose to smile..

Soon everyone settled down, with Manish and Baljit taking to the center and everyone else choosing their favourite corner and spaces.

Manish started the session with an introduction of the newcomers.
In total there were 4 including me.

One by one we stood on a table and introduced ourselves with our hands raised position.
“Name..Model and no. ..”
This reminded me of my hostel years where we have had such similar sights of introductions...may be slightly more complex and definatley more fun..
May be its always fun to be on the other side of the table..

This was a different experience, with people looking at you and you being able to see them all because of the elevation, thanks to the table.

I started with a fumble but then it got over soon.

Once done with introductions all 4 of us were assigned two mentors, Rajat and Yuvraj..
Mentors were to take care of our queries, doubts and loads of questions we had.

Then there were regular updates and notifications about forthcoming events and some new plans..
After which the meeting dispersed with some of the riders staying back to dine together.

Then Rajat, my mentor, an HR guy in a software firm, gave us a form to register with the rules and regulations clearly laid out like..
The safety precautions, the riding gear, a must for all the rides..
The formation details where there is always a leader in the front and a sweeper in the end.. to ensure that the convoy moved together..
I believe that’s where their motto “Leave no man behind” comes from..
How I needed to earn points to be registered in the core team..
The form had all important details like from blood group to email ids which was to be maintained in case of emergencies..
Once filled, we were to submit it next Wednesday along with a one time membership fee of Rs 100.

I was too excited to wait till next Wednesday so finished off with all the formalities and submitted the form then and there..

By far this was the best thing that happened to me.
I was very glad to have found someone to help me understand and learn more about CHAOS.

I decided to stay back for dinner.
That’s when I got to know more about other members and other bullet clubs.

Some of the founder members were displaced with time but they were still connected to each other for instance a former member was coming all the way from Nepal to join these guys for Ridermania,08 at Hyderabad, an annual event held by Royal Enfield.

Besides answering my umpteen silly questions they willingly shared and lot of interesting fundas and gyaan.
In short the dinner was a very warm, pleasant and friendly affair.

A group so diverse, so different and spread across miles..
Yet so close knit by a single bond.
One machine..
One enfield..
One thump..

Was it my destiny to be one of them..
I do not know..

What I know is that in just less than three hours a city, in which I was a complete stranger, for me it opened up a whole new world of passion, love, warmth and respect for me..

And now I am one of them..atleast in the making..

And while I write this I wait for yet another Wednesday to come..

** Pictures used just for representational purposes and are from Roadshakers gallery.

silent night..

2007-11-20T11:26:00.000+03:00

...it’s strange how we often experience emotions and feelings yet we do not understand them completely nor can we describe them in exact words..

...i mean many a times in our lives we come across an moment where we fail to describe our emotions..

...i mean we feel it, experience it.. but we just can't put them in words..

...that's the beauty about emotions..

i now feel that the moment we label or tag that emotion,
we do injustice to the whole experience..

like i experienced it the other night..
somewhere in the forests of Kanha, while i sat along the riverbed to just sit and listen..

the silence silently crept in..

as i wondered at the silhouetted skyline..
then as i pulled up to the edge of the water..a tiny glow worm sparkled, as if welcoming..

it was dark..and i sat in silence,
bathing in the chilling breeze that tingled my bones,
eventually my attention drifted to the shining constellations..
which for years have been telling us so much about them..
and continues to tell so much about us..

the sky was lit with bright stars twinkling more often than usual as if to get noticed..

it was amazing how the forest which till couple of hours ago was twittering with the treetop mimic and and the jungle fowl, was now so silent..

i heard silence..
and then an unusual yet calm music in this silence..

i closed my eyes..
to listen to the sounds of the forest..

i experienced an innocent sense of wonder that initially startled me,
then lifted me into a magical realm where,
for perhaps a heady instant,
i knew, really knew that these trees could speak..

the images of the forest took over my senses..

the rising sun peeping out from the thick of the forest..
the chirpy inhabitants reminding us of the dawn..
the distant warning of the peafowl from route no. C..
the mutual association of the herd of cheetals and the langurs displaying their team antics..
the fresh pug marks indicating how closely we missed out on an encounter with the yellow stripes striding by..
the towering termite mounds..
the sambhars..
the birds of prey and the prey..
the sight of watching young cheetals wrestle playfully was exhilarating as if i myself had romped away those moments among them.

Perhaps I had.

at the sight of a flock of sailor butterflies dancing around,
i felt my heart slowly lighten and skip-hop in response to the fluttering of a hundred wings..

my appreciation of their "otherness" carried me instantly into another kind of consciousness.

in this state of mind, i was again a child, innocent, playful and wide-eyed.

it is on this unfamiliar ground that i often discover and rediscover my emotions..

i think of these as sweet memories in the making, pleasant interludes in a busy schedule.

i know these excursions are an insight to my understanding of emotions;
rather small journeys into the depths and corners of reality.

i often wonder what i could do in return for giving me these tiny spiritual retreats..
and often end up promising to spend more time with it..

to hear it..

to see it..

to smell it..

to feel it..

and in return it always gives me back something far more nourishing-soul food..

as usual i have tried to put my emotions into words..
and yet i fail miserably..

...that's the beauty about emotions..

a child in me..

2007-11-14T09:41:00.000+03:00

often in my solitude and in serene atmosphere..

i search for my childhood..

innocent smiles and harmless tears..
days of no worries..and no fears..

i tune my nostrils to absorb..
the lost fragrances of childhood

and the ears to hear..
the lost voices of childhood
and memories...

where i lived with nameless grass…
nameless plants...
and their nameless flowers...

with nameless colours...
i painted strange figures on my walls..

i played with ants..
and nameless insects...

i ran after..
nameless colorful butterflies...

i lived in shrubs..
as if in a wild forest..
without name..
without words..

being lost in childhood
is nothing but a meditation..

a child in me speaks...
to a child in you..

'He..'

2007-10-10T09:50:00.000+03:00

I heard a distant mumbling..
Then I was drawn towards this voice..
It got louder and clearer when I reached the pinnacle..

“Persuade them to work 7 days each week,
10-12 hours a day,
so they can afford their empty lifestyles...” He said.

A deep husky voice..
I was amused and mersmerised..

I listened more attentively..

"Let their lives be motivated by numbers..targets and deadlines...

Let them live off coffee machines and junk food..

Keep them from spending time with their family and soon their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work!

Then take them to the best discs and pubs only to refresh and rejuvenate themselves over smoke, beer and upbeat music..

Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive and to keep the TV’s and their PCs going constantly..

Invade their spare time with ‘Sudoku’, 'Solitaire' and ‘Snake’..

And even their driving moments with skinny, beautiful and handsome models on billboards..

Make them fall in love and then fall out of love..
Then loose faith in all relationships..

Let their presence be felt by their friends through those unwanted forwards..
Flood their mailboxes with such junk mail..

N evn if dey sms mke evry lettr count..

Then send them to malls, sporting events, amusement parks, rock concerts, and movies instead..

Tempt them to spend more than what they earn and then make them work even harder to earn, borrow and loan..

Keep them busy in the non-essentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds..

Let them be lost and misguided about the mere essence of life.. 'to live rather exist'..

Crowd their lives with distractions so that they cannot hear that still, small voice..

Even if they do..

Confuse them..

Discourage them..

Make them doubt themselves..

And then give them headaches too..!!

Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on its wonders..

to pause..

to reflect and

to think...

Keep them busy, busy, busy..!!!

And it will work..!!”

Then I heard my alarm go berserk..

Then through the day I kept thinking about this dream..
Wondering whether I should I be thinking about it at all..!!
I don't know..
It was quite a plan!

But then I should worry only if dreams ever come true..

In loving memory of 3230..

2007-10-05T13:40:00.000+03:00

Tired yet in a hurry, I was trying to cross over the road which separated me from a glimpse of the last few overs of India Pak finals.

The usual busy road had a deserted look today and this reaffirmed my conclusion of being the only honest and hardworking employee in the town.

Though I was missing the action I had plugged on to my earphones, patiently bearing the over enthusiastic RJ and his umpteen breaks but religiously keeping a track of the score.

And as I was just a stone throw away from home I removed the ear plugs and leaped forward to cross.

CRRRAAAASSSHHH..!!

It took me a while to realise what happened.

I was flat on the ground and in pain.

I saw a hand reaching out to me to with an expression of aghast all over his face. Apologising profusely he enquired whether I was ok.

I guess I was.

Meanwhile I enquired with my intimidating looks to understand what went wrong. Apologetically he offered me to drop me home but then I wasn’t that hurt. While taking complete control of my senses I heard something crackle under this stupid motorist-turned- Good Samaritan’s foot.

It was my 3230..!!

Though I survived the accident, with minor injuries, it proved to be fatal for my 3230.

Without another word being said this stupid motorist-turned-Good Samaritan-turned-murderer decided to leave.

All that was left behind was me and remains of my 3230.

While collecting of what was left of my 3230 scattered over the tarred surface I remembered the time when my father had gifted it to me, when he failed to understand this gadget.

I was upset!

I reached home to a nail biting finish of the finals which finally overpowered the grief and loss of my buddy. Glad that such a game exists which makes you forget everything and cheers up the spirit.

Only if I had the slightest clue of what was coming ahead I would have been better prepared.

After we won the match, excitedly I reached out to call up on friends and share the joy..
But..
Call whom..
Or rather how..
That’s when I realised the gravity of my misery..
Till couple of hours back I had my entire world in my hands and now even though they were still there somewhere in the cosmos I had lost them..

Technology not just empowers but over dependence can at times paralyse you..
Unlike few years back, I used to remember some 50 odd no.s at the back of my head..but today I didn't remember any..

Happy yet lonely I retired to bed while the whole nation was celebrating.

Soon it was dawn.
There was no bright sunlight beaming into my room.
No nightmares, no bad dreams.
And I had a sound sleep!
It’s a divine gift to hear oneself sleep..and not many are as lucky as me.

Everything seemed perfect!
It ought to be a good day.

I habitually reached under my pillow but could not find what I was looking for.
I looked around whether I dropped it while performing my usual sleep acrobatics.
But not a trace of it.

Paused.. Thought.. Flashback..!!

And soon the good day had a spill over effect from yesterday.
No wonder why I didn’t hear my alarm go wild and vibrate all over.

But then I think I did pretty well to get up on my own.

Yesterday is past.
And today is a new day.

With this encouraging thought I dragged myself out of my bed to the drawing room to see the time.

Mom, dad had already left for work so it was a quiet morning as usual.

The clock ticked 09:10.

09:10..!!!!

Damn I was late for office.
And I thought I was up early.

Hurriedly I did my daily chores cutting short things that could be avoided.
Cosmetics can make you feel good as fresh as ever.

By 9:30 I was at the bus stop waiting for Bus no. 246 to arrive.

I glanced around to see some familiar faces and some friendly eyes to get assurance that I wasn’t that late. But with no luck!
I soon realised I was late.
Sometimes even hope gives up on us.

But then I did see some new eyes. Pretty!
That’s all what you can see when the entire face is wrapped around resembling some Taliban outfit dressed in colourful prints.

Finally the bus arrived and I got to board it with some use of muscle power.
It supplements my daily exercise, thus giving me more time to sleep.

The bus was more crowded than the usual. May be beacuse the whole world got up late!

Ever been in traffic jams when you are in most hurry?

Ever been in a situation when its jam packed inside the bus and you are holding on to your life by one hand and your bag on the other. Then struggle for couple of inches to stand on your toes. With someone’s arm around your waist fighting his own battle and one of the pretty eyes from the bus stop right under your nose.

And exactly at that time, when you most vulnerable, a tiny drop decides to roll down from your forehead bisecting your eyebrows with great precision, roll over your nose and hang on the tip trying to defy gravity.

Followed by an itch rather a tickle and a strong urge to just reach out and wipe it off.

It’s quite spine-tingling!

Usually when you fail to do anything else, just a slight shake of neck and there it goes.

This was something similar.

At times it can get quite uncomfortable especially when you don’t have any other means of distraction.

Its about 90 minutes ride to office.
I am not a book enthusiast. And in any case one cannot read under such circumstances especially when your nose is also having a treat to different odours some artificial and some purely natural.

So like many others I had found a way out.
I listen to music.
And today I missed it more than anything.
I realised how effective it was to be in bliss and ignore the different experiences one comes across in daily life.
Once you are tuned into your favourite playlist or radio external stimulus doesn’t really affect you.

Now my growing impatience was directly proportional to the time ticking by, which I had absolutely no track.

I had a presentation at 11:30 which I was sure I could make on time.
I had to or else I was screwed!

To be on the safer side I wanted to inform my office but then ‘How’.

My good day was turning into a not so good day.

I finally reached office.
Anxious and cautious I logged on to my system at 11:20 am.
The room was full when I had entered and my boss had this huge question mark about where was I and placed her hands near her ear and mumbled something.
Though I am horrible at dumb charades I got the words correct!
“Why didn’t you call?”

Only, if I could explain myself.

The presentation went well and that saved my ass getting fired.

Over lunch I shared my misery of how handicapped I had become in these few hours. And it was interesting to hear my colleagues empathise with me and admit to similar experiences.

I realised how much this “three two three zero” had become an integral part of my lifestyle.
In fact it was not merely a part of my lifestyle but was more of an extension of me.
It had served me good.
It had been with me for over 2 years, so no wonder I had become so dependant on it.

And now when it isn’t no more I had to get a new one to get over this whole cycle of dependency and helplessness.

I wished to speak to my brother to enquire which one to buy but only if I remembered his no.
So decided to call up mom to take his no. but except the fact that she has an idea connection I had no idea about her no. either.

I thought I was a good brother and more importantly a loving son.

I still think I am..

Finally after two days of similar struggle and lots of research I finally bought a new partner.. 850i..

Since then happy days are back again..

a sapling named "US"..

2007-09-17T15:43:00.000+03:00

My parents returned from their brief visit to Kerala, my native place.
My father is building his dream house for his post retirement plans over his ancestral property.
The old wooden architecture which had weathered over a period of 100 years was now being replaced by a new concrete structure.

Of everything, I enquired about the ‘mammoth’ mango tree in our courtyard.

I use the word mammoth because its girth cannot be measured by even three people if they hold hands together.

Since my early childhood days I have had very fond memories of this tree.

It has been a good provider!
It has been a safe haven to many of its chirpy inhabitants,
it has always provided shade and respite from the heat and humidity during my vacations visits in mid summer and,
I have always taken refuge in its thick branches to hide after mischief,

Above all I have always relished feasting on the big ripe mangoes!!

My father tells me how as a young boy he remembers his father taking utmost care of the tree.

Grandpa made sure that his sapling had adequate water, manure, sunshine and shade.
He made sure that the household cattle did not chew on it..
Took great pain to keep it free from pests..
He would occasionally dig around it to ensure the top soil was replaced..and tirelessly provided it with required nutrients..

He spend lot of time ensuring that this ‘sapling’ was getting stronger day by day to see through rough weather..
Once during a fierce storm the young tree’s branches gave away and the trunk split in two.
He then took great care and efforts to support the tree with makeshift supports.
And today it resembles Siamese twins.

Since then it has seen so many seasons and even worse storms..
Winds have blown away the withered, pale leaves..
Exposing the branches bearing a witness to nudity..
Leaving behind a transparent canopy..

But this hasn’t been the end..

Today it stands it's ground..
With hope and assurance of flowering every next season..

And come springtime it blossoms in its fullness again..
Yet again its a tree of providence..

Its so perfect..!!

It’s been a while that I have visited it.
This time I heard that the branches have gracefully drooped and now they kiss the ground.
Though it still produces a great yield..

I have never seen my grandpa..!

But what I do see of him is this tree - his testimony of great care and affection..

And this reminds me of a sapling..

A sapling named “US”..

Which I took great care to nourish..
Alas! I couldn’t see it flourish..
I did ensure the roots had gone deep inside..
But then somehow the wind was never on my side..

Then set winter..

And there I stood.. to watch it wither away..
..leaf by leaf, never to see a spring again..

Though I am glad I had my share of spring..

I wonder if grandpa would have nodded hear me say..
“That I wasn’t as good as you..”

Or if he would just smile and say..
“Dear, not all saplings are meant to stay..”

Hostel Song..!!

2007-09-17T07:45:00.000+03:00

Each time we come together
Nothing but brothers we are now
Sandy I am, Sandies we are
Together we’ll explore the hidden beauty of wisdom
Learning from each other
Forgetting out skin kaleidoscope
We’ll strive to build a better world.

Sandies may come, Sandies may go..
But we know in our hearts,
We’ll always stay the same
Far away from our homes
Into this tinsel town
Saint Andrew’s House
That’s where we are!

No matter what they say we’ll count it as a blessing!
So hand in hand, we’ll walk in excellence
Into the sands of time our footprints will remain..
Will remain..

please Forgive me..

2007-09-13T15:13:00.000+03:00

“Our Father in Heaven, Holy be your name..
Let your Kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven..
Give us today our daily bread..
Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us.
Lead us not into temptations, but deliver us from all evil..”

- Bible

This school prayer used to be an integral part of my life..

Having recited it religiously some 200 odd days in a year for more than 10 long years, I had become an immune soul.

Practice makes you perfect!
Sometimes it makes you ignorant.

Now when I tried to remember it..
I struggled!
I could not remember the words.

Therefore I asked for help from a colleague,
an ardent catholic,
and instantly she recited the entire prayer in less than 7 seconds..!
And it reminded me of the parrot within me.

Ask me whom I hate or against whom I hold grudge and I will easily list ALL the names.
But then ask me to name those whom I have caused pain and anguish,
I really have to think hard ..
recollect..
remember..
and walk down memory lanes
may be then I can name a few..

Not that I am a saint and sinless..
I so wish I was..

It’s because I haven’t forgotten anyone who have wronged against me.
And do not bother to know the ones whom I have hurt or caused pain.. though am sure the latter must be a larger number than the ones who have wronged against me.

Let's say:
a) You are my girl, and you dump me for my buddy.. or..

b) You are my Crazy Old Professor and always make life difficult for things out of my understanding.. or..

c) You are my brother and knocked off my tooth during a fight which I always loose.. or..

d) You are my neighbour and you had a squabble over parking in my area even if I don’t even have a two wheeler of my own.. or..

e) You are my childhood friend and you don’t remember my birthday even after hogging desserts every year.. or..

f) You are my boss and you give me the sack when I expected a raise.. or..

g) You are that friend of mine who took away my girl on my birthday..

I call you names..
I keep cursing you..
I keep complaining of how life is unfair..

And I sum it up saying, "I'll never forgive you for that!"

[I do say a lot of other things, rest I have faith in your understanding]

Who suffers?

'a' is having the time of her life with my buddy..
'b' is busy teaching and enlightening whole new batch of idiots like me..
'c' is still busy breaking other people's tooth..
'd' still manages to park his car in my area..
'e' still comes and hogs as if he is in an annual festival where one doesn't remembers the occasion but doesn't forget the food either..
'f' still manages to get the donkey work..
'g'.. I have nothing to say to you...%&*$%^ LOOOSER.. !!!

Surprisingly it’s never You!

And this mystery has always baffled me!

Once all the curses and ill-feelings have not had any effect then helplessly one wishes to forget it and move on..

Even that seems to be impossible!

The reason being..
I am still acting naive..

I am missing something basic.

So it was like I was carrying acid in a container to throw at one who has caused me hurt. And meanwhile I was waiting for the right time, this acid was eating into the container. And this hate was doing more harm to me than it did to the other.

So the sooner this vessel is emptied the better it is!

The phrase is to Forgive and forget..!!

And its something that each one of us have learnt at some point in our lives..
That it is a good idea to forgive people.
We learned that it is "holy" or "spiritual".

Rubbisssshh !
I would have said so..
If I wasn’t miserable..

May be this was why this prayer revisited me..

..Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us..

I was miserable because I have not forgiven.

And today while I write this I am so sure that when we don’t forgive, it ruins our life!

I wonder where one gets the idea that if You don't forgive people, THEY suffer.
Its nuts!

And also to forgive someone, I am not saying one has to agree with what they did.
One just have to want his life to work.

Is it easy?
Usually it’s not.

But its not impossible..All one needs is three things..

Humility..Tolerance.. and Respect/Love for the other person..And this isn't easy..Its even more painful..But once you do it..then the joy and happiness is worth the pain..

So don't forgive people for their benefit.

Do it for your benefit..!!

And if your life is joyful and blissful then you are reading nonsense..!!
But if you are hurt and in pain..
Then this might have something to offer..something to ponder and act upon..

With this piece of wisdom I wish to ask forgiveness from all those against who I have wronged.

- An apologetic soul..

Happens..!

2007-09-12T11:34:00.000+03:00

In 1961, when President Kennedy committed to put a man on the moon "before this decade is out", he had no idea how it would be done - and NASA didn't know how either.

More than a million technical problems had to be solved.
What kind of rockets, engines, landing craft, space suits, and underwear do you take to the moon?
And even if you get to the moon, how do you make sure you don't land in a hole?
How does one get back home?

The Americans solved each problem, one by one, and in July 1969 the world watched Neil Armstrong walk. This success is often credited to the breakthrough technological advances and the problems Americans solved, for instance even the minutest innovation of a million dollar pen that could write on moon’s gravity.

Soon even the Russians followed suit and came into limelight when they landed their man on moon, so what if they used Stupid pencils.

I guess the driving force behind these feats was their “Commitment” to make it work!

First you commit, heart and soul.
Then you solve the problems, one at a time...

So the real question to achieve anything worthwhile is “Are we ready to commit?”

"I will do this, whatever it takes".

And then start without all the answers and without any guarantees.

‘Commitment’ is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt...

Of course the uncertainties still remains but you are always one step closer to your desires or aspirations..
It just nullifies the uncertainty aspect..

If I wish to write a book then I need to commit to it, and then figure out how to finish it..
Dont worry its just a thought to make my explanation easier..I have no such plans in near future..

I feel same goes for a relationship or marriage or any goal - you commit to it, and then day by day, you figure out how to make it work..

This reminds me of an interesting conversation that I had with a dear friend of mine over lunch. She was educating me about why most relationships don’t work out diagnosing my own misery.

There are these ‘abc’ reasons for both to be ‘deeply’ and ‘madly’ in love with each other. And then there are always these another set of ‘xyz’ reasons for which it doesn’t seem to work out..

For me over a period of time the abc’s mirrored into xyz’s..!!
But then I pleased my ego mumbling ‘Love is Blind’!

“I love you..”
“I don’t feel the same for you..”

“I will always love you no matter what..”
“I think things are not the same as it used to be..”

“What will I do without you..”
“I think WE need a break..”
That’s so kind of one to think about ‘We’..

“I cannot live without you..”
“I guess YOU deserve someone better...”
God bless the soul for being so thoughtful... Modesty at its peak..!!

Happens…

Happened to me..!!

"...a captain earns his reputation during the storms."
And it’s most difficult and most readily proven during tough times.

In my case I guess the storm was too strong or the commitment too weak to withstand it..

Was it too complex or difficult than Apollo project or some rocket science which I could not understand!

I don't know..

But what I learnt is that there are, therefore, two essential conditions for any commitment.

The first, and most basic, is ‘Belief’ in the purpose, goal...
As an old saying that goes, "Stand for something or you'll fall for anything."

The second is ‘faithful adherence’ to those beliefs with one’s behaviour with strong sense of personal integrity..

I still believe that all GENUINE commitment stands the test of time..
The key word being ‘genuine’..

And I was glad to end our lunch on a note that, I am glad there are few commitments around me to support this belief!

Even project Apollo had its own set of ‘xyz’ reasons but it was like any successful project!

So what if I wasn’t that lucky..

"Why?"

2007-09-11T14:31:00.000+03:00

Recently I saw Nick’s video, a man born without any limbs, leading a much normal life than many of us.
He does his daily chores, can swim, uses technology with ease, answers mails, travels across the globe and, above all is a motivational speaker.
More than curiosity, to find a remedy to my own challenges I decided to read more about Nick on the web to understand how he was embracing life every day unlike many of us.

And the more I read about him the more I was confused as I could not understand how someone with such adversity could lead such a normal life?

For his set of challenges were different and permanent than in case of many others, like me.

It is a struggle to cope up with the reality especially if it’s a personal loss or a relationship being called off, to take charge of one’s emotions and take stock of what is left and move ahead.

While I am writing this, I still feel the pain..

It wasn’t that I wasn’t willing to accept the reality as it was..
It wasn’t that I didn’t wished to move on..

It’s was just that I couldn’t..!!
And I failed to understand WHY?

In spite of turning to the wisdom around me in form of peers, friends and loved ones..
In spite of keeping myself occupied by reading..travelling..indulging in activities which wouldn’t spare me any time to think..

I still was miserable!!

Whenever tragedy strikes,
or when I lose something special,
the question I usually ask is..
"WHY me?"
“WHY does it have to happen to me?”
"WHY did she leave me for a loser?"

And these "WHY?" questions were just sending me in circles.
And soon I found my answer in my ignorance.

I realised that instead of asking or finding answers to “Why” Nick had found answers to “What” he could do with his life.

"Almost anything!"

This realisation that often, there is no answer to "WHY?" or it doesn't matter why was the turning point.

And from this moment I started asking "WHAT?"...
"WHAT do I learn from this?"
"WHAT am I going to do about it?"

And since then life has become much easier.
It is not a struggle any more.

Like someone said that, “The key to happiness I believe is not to bother about whether life is ‘fair’. It’s just to make the most of what we have.”

And is life fair?
Probably not, But it does it matter why?

Pied pipers of Hemis..

2007-08-30T08:46:00.000+03:00

May, 2007..

Hemis gompa was our next stop destination when we embarked into the hired taxis. Situated at an altitude of 12000 ft it was about 45 kms from our hotel in Leh. With the thought of yet another journey floating in my mind, I wasn’t too energized but set out to visit this structure.

Besides having heard interesting facts about Hemis Monastery that it holds the distinction of being the biggest as well as the wealthiest monastery of Ladakh, I wasn’t really looking forward to this monument. I guess this was the effect of ‘other’ monasteries, which bore a testimony of neglect and apathy, have had on me.

And the fact that Hemis gompa dates back to the year 1630, it’s visualisation as a remnant of a distinct culture and history was something that bothered me.

Once we reached the site I realised that my fascination and enticement towards this visit was at its low. I believe it had to do with the fact that both my body and soul wasn’t in sync with the exhaustive travelling that we had undertaken this fortnight.

And while I walked carelessly towards this structure a distant chant caught me anxious. I could hear the beating of drums from the other side of the wall. Synchronised with humming voices it had a captivating effect on me. I walked with hurried steps to locate the source as if I was being drawn towards it.

Once I entered the court of the gompa, I saw a huddle of monks dancing to the tunes of some ancient chants. There were three elderly monks reciting chants from an old manuscript, while the younger ones were following the experienced steps of a monk, who was leading the dance in a circular motion around a flagpole in the yard.

The mesmerising music was a mixture of chants and the sounds, emanating from some unfamiliar instruments, played by these three monks who were closely observing the steps with skilful eyes.

I watched the young monks following every step performed by the monk in the front, who was choreographing his steps to the tune of this tender music. With every movement each word and note seemed to have a greater meaning. The soft and tender chants were so rich in compassionate overtones that their slow movements in accord with the tune seemed soothing.

I saw some other elderly monks amused over the utilities of mobile phones, that the younger monks were carrying, suggesting me of their interaction with the technologically driven, outside world. I was wondering how they have managed to preserve and nurture this 200 yr old tradition. But as I watched them rehearse, I sensed their faithfulness and commitment towards their customs and their daily chores which has become a way of life for them.

Hemis serves as the venue of an annual festival, known as the festival of Tso Chu. It is celebrated every year to commemorate the birth of Padmasambhava, also known as Guru Rimpoche.

And during the festival a sacred mask dance is performed by the monks, dressed in colourful robes and wearing masks depicting various characters, who dance around the main tarchen(flagpole) in the main courtyard. The dance takes place on 9th and 10th day of the fifth month of the Tibetan calendar. Like many other religious beliefs it celebrates the triumph of good over evil.

This monastic festival is special during the year of the monkey, which comes once in 12 yrs, as it marks the birth year of Guru Rimpoche, the founder of Tantrik Buddhism in Tibet.

Unaffected and unconscious of the enthusiastic spectators and visitors, clicking pictures up-close, many without a sense of courtesy, the monks continued to practise for this year’s festival. Till one over-excited visitor decided to join them, to dance, for a picture, the monk leading the dance made offensive gestures to express his annoyance!

I gazed.

There was something in the air that enthralled me. I was getting captivated by the soulful music that hummed into my ears. While I walked sheepishly, close up to the monks who were undisturbed by the presence of the strangers, I realised their attentiveness was too high to be bothered by this intrusion into their space and time.

I walked as if I was hypnotised under their spell.
With calculated steps and moves I went and sat right beside the monks who were creating this magical harmony.

Their chants put me at comfort.
The tune was joyous and resonant to my inner being.

My eyes closed and with a sense of unawareness of the environment I was in, the people around me, the place I was in.. I sat quietly to listen to and feel the tones, the vibrancy and rhythms of the chants.

The melodious tune transported me to a place where I felt emotion without having to 'think' new thoughts. For a moment I realised that I was blank. There were no thoughts of the past or future. I was in the present.

It took my mind away from redundant or negative thinking to joyfulness.

This tender, calming and refreshing music seemed to have a healing effect on my body, mind and soul. I felt as if it broke my cycle of thought, enough to allow my natural energy to flow freely again; my body felt warmer; energized.

I felt I was closer to the ‘One’ than I have ever been. I felt I touched onto something, something unknown yet familiar; and it touched me.
I do not know if it was for real.
All I know for sure is that it gave me a rest; uplifted me when I was feeling out of sorts.

It felt as if I sat there for hours.

There was something about this place that made me feel at peace with myself.
Now I appreciate why music has been an integral part of meditation since the very dawn of civilisation.

I have read that ‘Buddha’ simply meant “one who is awakened”. Even though I have not become a Buddha but I guess I understand what it means to be Buddha. With these worthy rewards, the few minutes I spent in this abode were worth enjoying!

Energized and inspired, I moved on.

A humbled soul..

In pursuit of happiness of a haughty Ego..!!

2007-08-30T08:39:00.000+03:00

May 2007..

After having travelled expansively in Kashmir valley and then in Leh, for more than 14 days, my desire to trek on foot was getting irresistible.
And this impending desire was getting even more adulterous with every dawn, when the sunbeams rushed to kiss the snow-clad peaks, making it shine brightly in this undecorated land of bare beauty.

It seemed as if these towering peaks had been constantly teasing me of my insignificance amongst their mighty presence.

And then ‘altitude sickness’ teamed up with this thought of unimportance, through fatigue and weakness to a feeling of ‘not fit for’ impression.

After a day full of activity, the hike to ‘Shanti Stupa’ was made optional, as many of us, including me, were still ailing with the symptoms of altitude sickness. The Stupa is located at Changspa, on the hilltop and is connected by a ‘motorable’ road and a steep flight of stairs. We were to scale it by taking the stairs, which was ought to be a tough climb.

"Shanti Stupa was built by the Japanese who harboured the ambition of spreading Buddhism across the world, in 1985 with aid from the Japanese Government. It was inaugurated by Dalai Lama in 1985. Unlike other structures like the monasteries/Gompas and palaces which has more of a Tibetan influence, this structure is different."

Since this yearning to accomplish these heights had reached its zenith, I thus challenged my spirit to take upon this quest.

Once we reached the foothill, I saw a white structure perched in the sky, stretching out towards the indigo sky and then the stairs that led to it.
At once it looked easy so for a moment the thought of conquering it without any stops brushed my mind.

But since the trek has been very unpredictable from the beginning, I did shrug this thought off.

I did!

I began the ascent with the mantra of being slow and steady and a solitary aim of proving my inhibitions wrong.

After climbing 40 odd steps I was struggling for my breath.
So I soon realised that it wasn’t going to be as easy as it appeared.
While hiking, a black-billed magpie flew right across me without any acknowledgement of my presence. As if this intruder had no real significance in its daily chores. And then I saw more of them hopping and flying from one stone to the other.
It was a sight to see!

All this, while I kept pushing myself to keep climbing constantly, encouraging myself not to stop, in pursuit of happiness of a haughty ego!

Looking back I saw people trying to catch up with their breath which did appeal to me for a moment saying, I should stop too.
But the voice in the head was too strong to let that happen.
So with a sense of achievement I kept walking up the stairs.

With each step taken my legs were getting heavier, I was gasping for more air.
My head was drooping, shoulders had dropped down and hands had reached out to my waist.
And now I didn’t even wanted to turn back and look at my sense of accomplishment.
I cribbed about the fact that this whole suffering was a choice I made.

Soon after few more steps I realised I needed to stop.

I was panting heavily and my lungs were under immense pressure for that one last gasp pf breath.
And yes I did!

While I was struggling to breathe I saw an elderly ‘white’ couple begin their climb from where we had begun. I smiled with the thought of the time they would take to reach the summit or rather meeting them midway while I start my descent.
Soon with new found strength, to beat them in this quest, I began again with the thought of no-more-stops!

I soon realised again, I was wrong!

I stopped more than..hmm..I didn’t count. I couldn’t count. All I was trying to do was to breathe. The elderly couple..not only did they race ahead of me but they reached the Stupa without a single break!

‘Firangs!!’.. I mumbled!

Finally with innumerable breaks I finally managed to reach the summit.
The elderly couple busy capturing the scenic beauty with their SLR passed a courteous smile as if acknowledging my feat.
I did manage to smile back with a sense of achievement, so what if I reached after them. I reached!
That itself was an achievement for me then.

Once on top, I saw an open quad from where I could look over the panoramic view of the chain of mountains.
The peaceful little village of Changspa with typical Ladakhi houses built along a gushing stream, and the towering Namgyal Tsemo in the distance.
I could see the ruins of Leh palace and the victory tower at a distance.

The splendid view from the top alone was well worth the effort.

So I took to the edge of the court and sat quietly to regain myself.

With the setting sun the view was pleasing and scenic!
I could witness the vastness that the mountains around me had in its span.
I could listen to the silence in the chilly wind cutting across me.
I could spot the shades of different colours in the contours of those peaks.
Away from the madness of the world!

It gave me immense pleasure to look down from where we had begun our ascent; saw some of my buddies still hiking at their own sweet pace.

Looking at the azure sky I took this time to sit and listen to the voices that I normally don’t tend to listen to.

And soon white thoughts dotted the white expanse, edges frayed and drifting aimlessly.
Insubstantial thoughts of the past, glinting to get my undivided attention.
So I gazed upon the things the mind doesn’t forget, as if complaining, that I don’t take note of them.
Familiar faces, images, pictures, figures, reflections, visions swarmed my restless thoughts.

Just then a strong breeze tossed my thoughts around!

And after, all was calm again.

The past was blown away, and I was free.
A journey through 580 odd steps and I was free again!

And although this journey has ended, I'll never forget what I've learned along the way, or how I learned to take it day by day.

An egoistic soul..!!